Wednesday, 19 March 2008
I'm ok. But thank you so much for asking.
Thank You girls.
I was really struggling last week. I think you're right though. I think most of it has to do with the way I'm feeling physically. And that I'm exhausted and worried about Samuel and his feeding issues. He can't shake his ear infection (saw the Dr on Monday. Same ear. She thinks that it never completely went away, and when we took him for a swim last Friday, it's flared up again). He refuses to suck on his bottle.
Getting formula into him was a nightmare. We both literally felt ill everytime it was time to feed Samuel. He loves his solids. Can't get enough of them. But he won't drink from his bottle. He'll drink 30mls and then starts screaming, holding his ear and doing all he can to get away from his bottle. We had taken to syringe feeding him, just to keep him hydrated.
Anyway, he's on stronger antibiotics now. And we're keeping his painkillers up (which in itself concerns me. He's on Panadol every 6 hours, how long is it safe for me to keep that up?). He's started drinking from his bottle, provided he has had panadol half an hour beforehand.
Joel's ok. We spoke, just a few hours after my last entry, in fact. The fact is, he's burned out. The only break he's had since we moved back to Brisbane (in August 06) was the two weeks from Sam's birth. And when you think about it, that couldn't have been less a break than if he had worked. He was dealing with a sick baby. A very distressed autistic little man, who couldn't understand where his Mama was and why everything was different. And a very, very unstable wife. Those weeks were intensely stressful for Joel. On top of the sheer exhuastion, he had very real fears that he could come home and find his wife (and perhaps children, though he says he knew I wouldn't take them) dead.
The poor guys has been working 60 hour weeks for months now, and then he comes home and does so much here to help me. He's simply hit the wall, physically, mentally and emotionally. He needs a break, desperately. So, he's going to tell them today that he needs a week or so off. We'll probably need to wait a month, perhaps even 6 weeks, as he's booked out about that far ahead at work. But he says it'll be a light at the end of the tunnel, just to book dates.
We're ok. He's been very careful not to take his fatigue out on us anymore. (Please understand. By 'take it out on us', I don't mean he was yelling or being rude. He was just slightly snappish, and not as patient with Alexander as normal. Not enough that Alexander, or anyone else was noticing, but enough that I was. I found myself covering for him so that Alexander never, ever picked up on it. He was spending a bit more time in our room reading, rather than spending time with us. Understandable. Just it was making me nervous all of the time). He's more engaged, and we're more understanding of his fatigue.
So, honestly. We're fine. My SIL read the last post the other day, and was worried. I think she was pretty shocked that we could be having 'trouble'. We really aren't. We were just a bit 'off'. Not as blissful as we're used to, I guess. Happens to everyone, it's just it's rare for us. And fortunately, sorted pretty quickly.
And through it all, my Alexander has been achingly beautiful. Sweet, funny, polite. Full of cuddles and kisses. Sweet words and cuddles that make everything else melt away. He wraps his arms around my neck and I close my eyes and just allow myself to feel it. Feel how he loves me and I begin to heal.
Is it normal? For me to love Alexander this much? It's almost frightening. I can't get enough of being with him at the moment. I miss him so much.
More about him soon. We have his transition meeting tomorrow, and I'm unsettled. I want to talk about it and maybe get some objective advice from you, my lovely friends.