Luka Melissa

I've met her (a couple of times now). She is the image of her big brother!!! A shock of dark hair and pinkness. Ooh, she's sooo little (though only half an ounce smaller than Alexander was) and delicious!

Will post pics as soon as I ask permission. Don't want to post without checking with Shane and Melissa (though am certain they'll say yes).


As for my amazing sister-in-law. She's doing disgustingly well! She was ready to come out the morning after Luka was born (the Drs ended up saying No, as she'd had to go to theatre for a manual delivery of the placenta), but she was home on Saturday. Went over on Sunday morning.

The cow is looking just so relaxed. She's positively serene! Not a bit stressed. Doesn't appear a bit tired. She was doing the dishes when we arrived (arguing with Shane, as he wants to feed her grapes and keep her in bed or something, and she wants to be up and about and back to 'normal').

She was planning on baking after we left (just as well. I made cupcakes at 12, took them around so we could all have lunch together. There were none left an hour later).

She just is doing so incredibly well, and all of them are just so thrilled with their precious new addition. I can't wait to get some photos.





I thought back to those first days after Samuel's birth. I remember them as a blur of tears and vomiting and sheer panic. I remember my heart always thumping too loudly, too hard, up near my throat. I remember the scratching. I remember not being able to speak.





I remembered something else when at Shane and Melissa's house.

When I was in hospital after having Samuel, JoAnna bought me a lovely pink bouquet like this one.



(She and I are both VERY into all things pink, and who cares if I'd had a boy!).

It was lovely, and had some beautiful lilies, that hadn't quite opened up right away.
A couple of days into my stay, things were looking pretty bleak, I was in terrible shape, and Sam was in under phototherapy lights.



I was stuck in a room, with the lights always on, the sound of the machines going and dodgy air conditioning. I remember the smell of these lilies as they opened up, becoming stifling. They were so beautiful, but the smell became a metaphor for the oppressive cloud of fear collapsing in on me, invading all of my senses until I could be aware of nothing else.

I'd forgotten all about it, until I was at Melissa's yesterday. I waled in and sat at the table, and the first thing I noticed was my heart started beatign faster. I couldn't place what was wrong at first, but I was sweating and my legs started jiggling. It took just another moment for me to notice the smell of the lily, and to see it.

I tried, tried to ignore it. Focus on the baby, focus on our two families, on our boys. Focus on anything but the smell, but soon enough I had retreated to another room, under the pretense of reading an article she'd told me about.

I left. I became more and more distressed, until finally I feigned a headache and made an excuse to leave with Sam (Joel was going to cut Shane and Alexander's hair).

I feel terrible. I feel terrible that I let it get to me that way. I feel terrible that just a week ago, I was saying I think it's time to wean off my tablets. And here I am again, knocked over by the most beautiful of flowers.

Sigh. I feel so disappointed and embarrassed. I haven't even told Joel yet.