I need some space. I need to be alone. I just need to breathe, with noone needing a piece of me. Why can't you let me alone? Why won't you just understand that I need you to leave me alone. Why don't you understand I have nothing to give you right now? There's nothing left.
And Joel. When I beg you not to pick up the phone, because I know it will be yet another person needing my time right now ,when I'm begging, please, please, please listen to me. Please don't pick it up. Or just lie for me. Tell them I'm not there. Today almost tipped me over the edge.
Just give me some space. Let me have a moment alone. I feel like everyone's in my face and attacking me. I know they're not. I know this is my perception, and that it is terribly skewed right not. But it doesn't make it any less real. I honestly, honestly feel like I'm under attack. I want to cower and shield myself, from all of you.
I'm sorry.
*You guys, my readers. I don't mean you. I'm not just saying that. I need you so much right now, I don't know how to tell you. Help me. Please. Please tell me that I'm going to get better.
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ReplyDeleteMel- it is only a bandaid
ReplyDeleteBath, Bubbles, Book, Cake and Champagne
Then a good sleep
My strength to you, Melissa
ReplyDeletexxx
It will get better :) you are so incredibly strong (even though you may not feel it right now) and i want to send you massive cyber hugs to get you through the dark time. I am thinking of you (even though you don't know me, I love reading your blog and identify so much with you, especially the depression side) (((hugs Melissa)))
ReplyDeleteMelissa - I read your blog often. I don't know how it feels to have depression, but I know how it feels to have 2 kids. My second is now 18months. The first year was very trying. He didn't sleep (much). It is now in his 2nd year that I am beginning to get some relief. Gorgeous boy, but oh so busy. I know the feeling of no time for yourself. It almost feels as if you loose your identity. Life is just so busy. I gave up most of my hobbies as it just upset me when I had no time to do anything for me. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mum and I know they'll grow up and be gone in a flash. You'll get time, before you know it, they'll both be in school.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say the "right words" to you. Hell - if I knew the "right words" I'd stop turning to food to get me through!
Cope as best you can.
one of your devoted readers.....
Big hugs to you hon! Depression is so horrible, I wish it on noone! I so understand where youre coming from. YOU WILL BEAT THIS!!
ReplyDeleteIt will get better Mel, honest. The only good thing about going downhill on the rollercoaster is that eventually you will come back up. I think you know that but it's taking much longer than is fair right now.
ReplyDeleteLove to you. I know too well that feeling of being mauled half to death.
Tears for you my darling Mel...
ReplyDeleteI want you to know I'm thinking of you with so much love.
xx Averil
So now is NOT a good time to call? :)
ReplyDelete(did I make you smile though? Just a little??)
You will be ok, I know you, your stronger than you think :p
Wanna come visit? You'll want to go home quick-smart.
Love you, miss, worry for you.
All our love from waaay down here,
Paulette, Wylie, Xander and Chase
Hope things are looking brighter for you Mel.
ReplyDeleteLoved the photos of your two boys. They are gorgeous.
Oh Melissa. You poor thing; but please know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you
S.
Mel, my advice... you need to get out. Out of the house, alone. Do whatever it takes but you cannot stay inside or it will consume you. You can't keep trying to hold everything up or it will consume you. It doesn't have to be anything major at first, half an hour to the park in the sunshine will help, but you need to do it.
ReplyDeleteSunlight and gentle exercise will also help (though not cure).
Anytime you need to vent you know you have my email address. As a fellow sufferer of depression I know how serious this is and i'm not just talking out of my arse. This has the potential to hold you down for a very long time.
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you sweet Mel - hoping this will pass soon for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm also thinking of you. I also know how 'alone' you feel at times like this.
ReplyDeleteYou feel as though YOU are the only one to experience. YOU are the only one who understands and YOU will never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
There is light and you will find it soon.
In the meantime, blog, ignore, yell, cry, eat chocolate, do what you have to that makes you feel that little bit better.
Am thinking of you Mel.
Nicole x