Tonight is supposed to be a big deal. It is my maternal grandparent's 50th Wedding Anniversary. And I'm happy for them, I really am.
But I've not seen these people in 6 years, since my mother's funeral. I've in fact, had no desire to see just about any of my mother's family since then. There are things that happened that still leave me devestated, and filled with such regret and anger.
I had agreed to go to the party they are having tonight. They want all of the family present, and apparently just about everyone will be there. My mother (who would have been 50 this year) was the eldest of 9. At least 7 will be there tonight, with their respective spouses and children, of which there are many. All of my siblings will be there. I am estranged from two of them. Some of these people hate me, are openly hostile.
I've had months to psych up for it, and until today, was almost looking forward to it. Looking forward to let things go and introduce them to my sons.
But today, and last night, I can't switch my head off. I keep going over and over the things that happened. The things they said, the things the did, the things they threatened me with. THings that I've not actually mentioned here. And I gan't get it out of my head.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like showing up there would be saying "It's ok. It's fine. Don't worry about it. You didn't hurt me. You didn't disrespect her. I don't care".
I don't think I can do it. I can't stop shaking, literally and I want to cry or vomit.
God. Please somebody get me drunk. Two hours to go.
Oh, Mel. Honey, I wouldn't go. They don't seem to be worth it, from what you have said.
ReplyDeleteThey are hostile and they hate you? Shows just what kind of people they are.
Stay home with Joel and your boys. Give the party a miss.
I'm always thinking of you, my sweet friend xoxo
Anticipation is a killer. Go. It may be the conciliatory night you are hoping for. If it is not then you can walk away without any "what if"s hanging in a black cloud over your head.
ReplyDeleteAnd in such a large group there is sure to be at least one person who will make it a worthwhile night.
Stand up for yourself and look after yourself. I'm not sure if that will be best done by facing up to them, or staying at home - I'm sure you'll make the choice that is right for you.
ReplyDeleteGoodluck either way darling, what a horrible situation to face. (Off to read the links given to your past entries to get the bigger picture...)
Hi Mel, I suppose what you need to do is to work out if you really want these people in your life. If you do, then go, if you dont' then stay home. It doesn't matter what they think if you don't turn up, it seems like they will judge you either way. Do they deserve to have you and your beautiful family as part of their lives? Probably not, but this should be your choice no one else's it doesn't matter that you agreed to go, it is your perogative to change your mind. Whatever you chose be kind to yourself. xxx
ReplyDeleteI have no idea I just hope you're OK.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I've learnt ? (and it was probably from you!) that people treat others like this to make themselves feel better. To justify there own feelings. To make up for their guilt.
ReplyDeleteThey really do know the truth. Deep down they do, they just dont want to admit it- to themselves, you or eachother.
I'm sure you showed them all! You showed them that no matter what they throw your way, you will still continue being. Being the best wife, best mother, best daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, friend, but most of all, the best woman!
You are amazing.
Lots of love to you my dearest. Missing you!
I hope you made the right decision for you.
ReplyDeletexxx
I really hope if you went it did end up being better than you had imagined.
ReplyDeleteOften things are worse in our head then when we actually face them.
Am thinking of you Mel.
Today is a very big day in the Where’s Wenda? Contest. I am visiting all of the SITS followers. Can I do it? There are around 1000 followers. Oh my! Better grab my cup of coffee and get on my way. Be sure to visit Hot Chocolate Caramel Mocha and Three Bay B Chicks as part of your contest entry.
ReplyDelete-Wenda
Good Luck Mel
ReplyDeleteThinking of you :)
Charli xoxox