Saturday, 21 February 2009
Tonight is supposed to be a big deal. It is my maternal grandparent's 50th Wedding Anniversary. And I'm happy for them, I really am.
But I've not seen these people in 6 years, since my mother's funeral. I've in fact, had no desire to see just about any of my mother's family since then. There are things that happened that still leave me devestated, and filled with such regret and anger.
I had agreed to go to the party they are having tonight. They want all of the family present, and apparently just about everyone will be there. My mother (who would have been 50 this year) was the eldest of 9. At least 7 will be there tonight, with their respective spouses and children, of which there are many. All of my siblings will be there. I am estranged from two of them. Some of these people hate me, are openly hostile.
I've had months to psych up for it, and until today, was almost looking forward to it. Looking forward to let things go and introduce them to my sons.
But today, and last night, I can't switch my head off. I keep going over and over the things that happened. The things they said, the things the did, the things they threatened me with. THings that I've not actually mentioned here. And I gan't get it out of my head.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like showing up there would be saying "It's ok. It's fine. Don't worry about it. You didn't hurt me. You didn't disrespect her. I don't care".
I don't think I can do it. I can't stop shaking, literally and I want to cry or vomit.
God. Please somebody get me drunk. Two hours to go.