Still here, but having a little trouble. Every day I tell myself I have to sit down and write/blog. I can't summon the energy.
A week and a half ago, I had an odd day. Nothing happened, but I commented to Joel that I felt kind of..detatched, disassociated even. I was driving the boys to school/daycare and they were doing what we do every morning. They were singing and 'dancing' in their seats. Music was up loud, they were holding hands and trying to 'sing' between racous bouts of laughter.
We do this everymorning (Alexander's latest song of the moment is "Awful Love" (All for Love, Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams) and he belts it out with frightening furvor.
It usually makes me laugh, it's a way we all get to be silly and have a lovely, happy start to our day. Always, we each start our day smiling, it's so lovely to do. Except that day I was watching the boys in the mirror, and they were adorable, I felt nothing. Like I was not in the scene, like I was watching from somewhere else.
I feel like I'm surrounded by a haze. Everything sounds far away and feels unreachable. The following days were inexplicably dark...a black cloud intersperced with swirls of violent red. It has settled, in the past day or two to a dark grey, just a feelign of nothing. It's heavy and unbearably empty.
I have no idea what's going on. I'm unwell again, physically, I mean, and feel like something's brewing. I'm functioning, barely. Have already successfully raised a couple of thousand for the school in the past two weeks, made it to church, baked, cleaned my house, made love to my husband, played with my boys even more than usual.
THis isn't even me 'faking' it. I don't feel nearly connected enough to call it that, I don't feel controlled enough to make that choice or effort.
No idea. Sorry. Not even sure what this is for. I'm still here. I'm working through it. Maybe I just needed to connect to something, say Hello.
Just letting you know I'm listening. I hear you. I can relate.
ReplyDeleteThink of you often.
Stuff is going on down here. Wylie threatened to move us all up there. Maybe we'll be neighbours? (doubt it)
Email me if you need too.
xxx
Can relate too. Hon, look at all you have done lately. Sometimes I relate the distancing/separation as if I'm looking in on the scene but cannot conjure up a feeling to my true inner self. You know? Bit too deep?
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to describe in one short(ish) blog comment.. but I see it as a pure state of the self. Being unreactionary when you think you ought to be feeling xyz could be when we are refilling/restocking? Maybe? Well that's what I think of these times when I'm, you know like, zen about things. Otherwise, I hate and resent the feeling when I'm not seeing it for what it could be! ;P
I'm also thinking of you Mel, and know what you are talking about too.
ReplyDeleteTake care, and I hope you get some time and space to recharge your batteries xx
I don't really know what to say except, I hear you, and that's a start. That you can articulate how you are and what you feel is important, and that you even recognise it as a state of being. Don't lose that awareness or you may retreat further. I don't know what else to say, but hang in there, take care of yourself, touch base here when you can.
ReplyDeletexxx
Could you maybe be getting a cold or sickness? I feel that way sometimes, the haze and not sure why, no control over it. And just when I start to worry majorly about it I then get sick and it all makes sense. I am also reading and thinking of you. Wanted to also say well done on the fundraising :) The school wont want to lose you when your boys are older :)
ReplyDeleteSweet Mel, I sometimes wonder if we as women have so much going on in our lives - being a wife, mother, lover, etc, etc that sometimes we disassociate as a way of protecting ourselves from overload. Overload is not always from negative stuff in our lives, even the good - laughing can sometimes just be too much. Take care, try and make time for you - even a walk down the road and back. I wish I could offer you more but know that I am thinking of you. xxx
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