Monday, 23 March 2009
Struggling a little
Still here, but having a little trouble. Every day I tell myself I have to sit down and write/blog. I can't summon the energy.
A week and a half ago, I had an odd day. Nothing happened, but I commented to Joel that I felt kind of..detatched, disassociated even. I was driving the boys to school/daycare and they were doing what we do every morning. They were singing and 'dancing' in their seats. Music was up loud, they were holding hands and trying to 'sing' between racous bouts of laughter.
We do this everymorning (Alexander's latest song of the moment is "Awful Love" (All for Love, Sting, Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams) and he belts it out with frightening furvor.
It usually makes me laugh, it's a way we all get to be silly and have a lovely, happy start to our day. Always, we each start our day smiling, it's so lovely to do. Except that day I was watching the boys in the mirror, and they were adorable, I felt nothing. Like I was not in the scene, like I was watching from somewhere else.
I feel like I'm surrounded by a haze. Everything sounds far away and feels unreachable. The following days were inexplicably dark...a black cloud intersperced with swirls of violent red. It has settled, in the past day or two to a dark grey, just a feelign of nothing. It's heavy and unbearably empty.
I have no idea what's going on. I'm unwell again, physically, I mean, and feel like something's brewing. I'm functioning, barely. Have already successfully raised a couple of thousand for the school in the past two weeks, made it to church, baked, cleaned my house, made love to my husband, played with my boys even more than usual.
THis isn't even me 'faking' it. I don't feel nearly connected enough to call it that, I don't feel controlled enough to make that choice or effort.
No idea. Sorry. Not even sure what this is for. I'm still here. I'm working through it. Maybe I just needed to connect to something, say Hello.