A little more hopeful.

So perhaps there is a ray of sunshine, for today things certainly look better than they did the other day.

I realised, yesterday just how much I still wanted to do the P&C. I had thought it would be a relief, to have that burden lifted. For while I love it, and am proud of the work I do, there's no question it is an added pressure, a weight on my shoulders that is always there.

They had discussed replacing me. But, as it turns out, simply in the event that I insisted on it. They thought I was going to insist this time, refuse to go on.

I've talked to them, mapped clearly out the rest of our year, trimming all I can, delegating more. I've spoken to the other execs, and Robyn (my closest friend at the school, the tuckshop convenor). The consensus is I need to be better at asking for help. And delegate, rather than micromanaging everything. Delegate some of the big, time consuming things, rather than just finding small, insignificant jobs for them, and bucking under the weight of the rest.

So, the meeting last night, far from being terrible, was lovely. It was quiet, not many of us there. But all of those close to me were, and those who tend to cause trouble were blissfully absent. We talked, laughed, joked and teased. Just like it used to be.

I had fortunately had a really, really good day leading up to it, and was actually happy to be there, rather than filled with the dread that has taken up permanant residence in the pit of my stomach.

The result, to my delight, could not have been better. I was surrounded by friends, was able to discuss what has happened to me these past months, (most of them knew but others did not, and had been worried) and map my way forward, in this regard at least. I'm honestly happy with the way it has panned out.


Now. For another development. I'm really not sure what you will think, and am a little nervous about telling you. But I'm torn, and would like your honest opinions.

I've been offered a job. It's permanant part time. School hours. Days while Samuel is already in care. Copywriting and editing. In an office (a home office), but with only one or two other people.

What would you do? If you were me? Joel's worried. He's trying not to be, he's trying to just be thrilled for me, as this is what I have wanted. I've done freelance work for this woman before, but you know how it can be, dribs and drabs, then flooded with work, then back to nothing.

This would be steady. This would help us greatly, financially. It's 2-3 days a week in her home office and a day a week (when busy, which she is at the moment, very) from home.

But. These past months, my inability to feel safe anywhere but home. I don't want to give up P&C, obviously. But I've scaled that back and have given up my day a week in tuckshop.

Would you take it? Would you risk it? I'm honestly asking your opinions. In the end, the decision is mine, with Joel. She and I are meeting on Friday, to discuss details, and for me to do a few hours for her.

Talk to me. Delurk. Please talk to me.


I made all of those phonecalls I'd mentioned to you. All in one go yesterday. Except one. I'm calling my GP in the morning. I promise. I've no idea what I'll say to her, it's not like I"m not already on medication. But I'll call.