Sorry. Have tried to come in and update a few times. Am really struggling with a new drug they have started on me. The side effects are making things very difficult here, and I can't seem to do much of anything at all. I feel as though I have been set adrift and that I have no control right now over my body or my life.
Basically, the gist of the Psychiatrist visit is that he is 90% certain (based on my history and just what he has seen) that I have something that's going to fall on the Bipolar spectrum, probably Bipolar 2. I have researched a lot, and that was the conclusion we had reached also. My GP and Psychologist and the Mental Health Nurse all concur.
So for now, I'm still on the same anti depressants (that will probably change on Friday when I see the Psychiatrist again) with the addition of an anti psychotic for anxiety (this is the drug I'm struggling with) and some benzos.
I feel incredibly fragile and vulnerable at the moment.My whole body is trembling and my left arm/shoulder/hand twitch constantly. I have no control over those muscles. I am sleeping constantly. Can only describe the drowsiness as akin to 3 Mersyndol or a Stilnox and a Mersyndol (I have taken those before, adn thats' what this feels like). I'm completely unable to function (drive, cook properly, manage the boys or even hold a cup properly)and dependant on Joel, and it feels horrible.
I am vulnerable and I am frightened. I literally feel like I"m lookingi at the world through vaseline, I can't seem to focus my eyes on anything.
I'm also worried because everyone I've spoken to tells me that this drug made them or whoever they knew on it gain a significant amount of weight. One person said she put on 30kgs. Another said her husband put on 15kgs in 3 months.
I'm at my lowest weight in 12 years. I have lost 35kgs. The thought of them piling back, combined with the way I am feeling now make me very, very hesitant to continue. I have an appointment with my GP this morning and I am afraid of the drive there.
Thinking of you Mel, xo
ReplyDeleteMorning Melissa, so sorry you are struggling with the meds, you need to be up front with your doctors about your concerns re your weight gain, that is another stress you don't need at the same time though maybe if you and they are aware of it, it won't happen. Be strong as sometimes the meds take a while to work within your system and the side effects disappear, sometimes they just need to adjust the dose. I know this is hard for you and I hear your pain, but you can do this, you can get through this - you have so much to live for - hang on to that and believe - please. Hugs from Perth xxx
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I went on Effexor (not sure if that's what youre on) for a while and put on a couple of kilos.... didn't care very much though, because I was on Effexor, and therefore giving myself an easy time and not able to muster self-hatred.It was worth it for peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and ride through it. Hugs xx
ReplyDeleteI see where you are on this, and I have been there a number of times. As women today I think we judge ourselves on our looks. I KNOW we do. And thats okay. Your weight loss is fantastic and you should be proud. But please remember that if its the sanity of yourself and your family verse your waistline ~ which would you choose. Being on meds suxs. Seriously. Especially those types.. but if you are in the state you are in now they are necessary. If you can't cope, if you aren't living up to what you want to be, if you can't seem to find the energy or where-with-all to be the mum you want to be..you need them. I know you know this. But its still a hard decision. Weird hey? I agree - talk to your doctor. And remember..although your hubby and kids will love you either way. They would love you to be happy and cuddle size rather than lifeless and thin.
ReplyDeleteOh incidently.. I have found that it wasnt so much the weight that bugged me - but the intense fatigue, lethergy and the feeling I describe as being "Brain Dull" like living in a hazy, nothing happens as fast.
Its easier (still darn difficult though)if you are willing to accept what you have to deal with, the side effects and focus on the reasons: so that you aren't suicidal so much, so that you don't live in the down cycle all the time and so that you can be who you want to be and who you really are: A great Mum and Wife and a fantastic writer and blogger.
I always did talk tooo much.
xxoo
Only the biggest of hugs and heartfelt cheerleading for you here today, Mel, as you gather strength and courage to meet with the GP. There is a way through this. I'm not even going to pretend to assume to know what it is or how you feel. But I do have faith that there is a way through for you and that you are being guided all the way.
ReplyDeleteAt times in my life where I've wondered how the hell I'm going to climb the Everest in front of me (and there have been many times), I've learned now to just pick over the rubble at my feet instead of taking on the sheer rockfaces and crags all in one go, because otherwise it just feels like much too much.
Look to the little things, Mel. The tiny little things that uplift you.
I am loving the images you have put down your sidebar, btw. They are gorgeous and reflect you well xxx
Just popping in to let you know that I've been thinking of you Mel, and hoping that you are doing OK xx
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