Saturday, 28 November 2009
Some days are diamonds....
Most days, I'm doing better. Certainly, when compared with where I was a month or two ago, things are going along as well as can be hoped. There are still bad days though. Instead of being every day, at the moment, it's only a couple a week.
Today is one of them.
My heart is in my throat. My hands are shaking. The sound even of the boys playing (usually one of my favourite) is like nails on a blackboard. I'm sad. I'm angry at the world. And I have a nervous feeling I can't shake. My stomach is churning.
I suspect it is because I have a family dinner tonight. A dinner planned by me. I'm doing the cooking. And the dinner is here, at my house. It sounds so innocuous, a family dinner at home.
But this is pushing my boundaries more than I can tell you. For the last year, the only thing worse than leaving the house was having someone, anyone other than Joel and the boys in it. Visitors left me in tears, sick to my stomach, scratching my arms til they bleed and weep.
Today, I will have 10 people here. And it was my idea. And Joel is away, will be home just in time for dinner. Both boys are sick.
What teh #@!#$@ was I thinking? It'll be fine, I'm sure. I did most of my cooking yesterday, anticipating a rough day today. I will be surrounded only by people I love. But I'm freaking the #@#$ OUT!
I was a complete ass to Joel this morning. I was a hateful, rude, miserable fishwife. He did nothing wrong. He left for work at 5am. Then he drove an hour to go to my Dad's house and help him chop trees down. I have no business being so upset with him. I am though, selfishly. I need him here, just to keep me calm.
I just want this day to be over. Sam is asleep (he really is so sick, I'm not sure what's going on there, I have not been able to get that fever down for days), Xander is watching TV and making his books. And I am hiding in the bedroom, literally my body curled as tightly as it can be while still able to type. And I want to feel better so I can make it up to my poor husband.
It'll be fine, right? We're going to have a lovely time. I'm ready for this? To host a dinner party? I'm going to survive this day.
Tammy. If you read this. Please, please, please don't take it the wrong way. I'm looking forward to seeing you.