Most days, I'm doing better. Certainly, when compared with where I was a month or two ago, things are going along as well as can be hoped. There are still bad days though. Instead of being every day, at the moment, it's only a couple a week.
Today is one of them.
My heart is in my throat. My hands are shaking. The sound even of the boys playing (usually one of my favourite) is like nails on a blackboard. I'm sad. I'm angry at the world. And I have a nervous feeling I can't shake. My stomach is churning.
I suspect it is because I have a family dinner tonight. A dinner planned by me. I'm doing the cooking. And the dinner is here, at my house. It sounds so innocuous, a family dinner at home.
But this is pushing my boundaries more than I can tell you. For the last year, the only thing worse than leaving the house was having someone, anyone other than Joel and the boys in it. Visitors left me in tears, sick to my stomach, scratching my arms til they bleed and weep.
Today, I will have 10 people here. And it was my idea. And Joel is away, will be home just in time for dinner. Both boys are sick.
What teh #@!#$@ was I thinking? It'll be fine, I'm sure. I did most of my cooking yesterday, anticipating a rough day today. I will be surrounded only by people I love. But I'm freaking the #@#$ OUT!
I was a complete ass to Joel this morning. I was a hateful, rude, miserable fishwife. He did nothing wrong. He left for work at 5am. Then he drove an hour to go to my Dad's house and help him chop trees down. I have no business being so upset with him. I am though, selfishly. I need him here, just to keep me calm.
I just want this day to be over. Sam is asleep (he really is so sick, I'm not sure what's going on there, I have not been able to get that fever down for days), Xander is watching TV and making his books. And I am hiding in the bedroom, literally my body curled as tightly as it can be while still able to type. And I want to feel better so I can make it up to my poor husband.
It'll be fine, right? We're going to have a lovely time. I'm ready for this? To host a dinner party? I'm going to survive this day.
Right?
Tammy. If you read this. Please, please, please don't take it the wrong way. I'm looking forward to seeing you.
Keep breathing darling....you're very brave, don't look at the clock, just keep breathing xx
ReplyDeleteI agree. It is the anticipation which is so very hard, just try and take each minute as it cmes, then each hour. Do not look forward, do not project.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow will be here quicker than you know it, and all will have been fine.
Do you feel calm when they are there? do you feel like I do when my guests leave, as though the house has come alive? as though you have filled up your heart with happiness and are buzzing from the success of it? are you able to harness that feeling now?
ReplyDeleteI know what you are going through, I do the same thing in the anticipation of an event. You can do this though and you will have a lovely time :) xo
Honestly, Jen. When people are in the house I have the strongest fight or flight response. I struggle, I feel defensive. I wnat nothing more than to hide.
ReplyDeleteI love these people, but this will be excruciating.
When they are gone, I will feel as though a great weight has been lifted, and that my house is my own again.
I will, however, be very, very glad I did it. Proud of myself, happy that I've accomplished something and am trying to stay connected to the family.
good luck now, keep putting one foot ahead of the other and just like that you will continue to move forward. thinking of you and sending you good karma.
ReplyDeleteI get that feeling, even with my own mother.
ReplyDeleteI don't do it. I don't do dinners, family occasionally. Your very brave.
XxX
Melissa I hope you are enjoying having your family over. You need to be proud of what your achieving!!! Treat yourself tomorrow and focus only on the good of the night!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Melissa I had no idea how hard it was for you :( but..with feeling that way and still hosting this dinner you have taken a huge step forward :). Well done on a wonderful achievement last night :)
ReplyDelete