Thursday, 10 December 2009
I have something to tell you. I've known it, of course, for years. I can't remember a time I didn't know.
It's never bothered me all that much in the past. I'd be aware of it, from time to time, but never gave it that much thought.
Lately though, it's hard to think of anything else. I feel like I have this scarlet letter etched on my forehead, for the whole world to see. I feel like it sets me apart from other women, in a world where it's already so easy to find oneself being judged.
I value my friendships with my online friends. All of you mean something to me, and I'm so afraid that if I divulge, some of you will see me differently. I may lose some of my followers, and I might earn the disapproval of people who mean more to me than they realise.
This is burning at me. A secret from my past that may now affect my entire future. My relationship with Joel, and my sons. A secret that will change how my sisters in law view me,and oh, but my Father and my In Laws. I don't know what my mother would have said.
Will you stay with me? Will I still have your support? I told Joel this morning. He didnt' see it coming. He was left speechless for a moment. I can't forget the look on his face - confusion at first, as though asking himself "What did she just say?". Disbelief. Then realisation dawning on him, pieces of a puzzle slipping into place, finally, after all these years. I thought he must have had some clue, read some of the signs. I wasn't that covert, not as much as I should have been. I think a part of me was crying out for him to notice. He never did.
He's with me so much, surely, surely he'd have known it was possible?
I can't blame the bipolar. Much as I'd like to think so, the panic attacks weren't responsible for setting me on this road. If I'm really honest, none of these are an excuse for my decisions. I know, that faced with them, I'd probably make the same choices again.
Will you hate me? Will you mock me? Am I the only one? Will you heap your scorn upon me, like hot coals? Can I tell you? Can I not? Can I keep blogging here, and pouring out my heart to you if I'm leaving out such an important detail.
No. It's better to be up front. For my own mind and peace, if nothing else. Here it is.
I've never, ever slept with Tiger Woods. Not even once.