I've decided not to do a 2009 Wrap Up

I just want to look forward.  I'm determined to actively make 2010 a better year for my family.  I have spent a good part of this one hiding away in my cave and allowing myself to suffocate in all of the angst.  Starting tomorrow (well, starting right now) I'm getting proactive about my life and my health.

I'm not going to say there won't be bad days - hell, even bad weeks.  We know there will.  And I may still feel the need to get on here and type it out, or reach out to you (I'm told that it's my desperate need for validation ;-)  ), or I may need to stay silent for a few days.  If that's too much for my readers, or feels too much like whining, then you know where the door is my friends.  Life's just so much easier if you don't read things that will irritate you.

But this is what you will see more of in the coming year.

You will see the little things that make me happy.  Every day, I am going to seek out the funny, the beautiful, the enchanting.  I'm going to allow myself permission to take time out for me.  But instead of hiding, I'm going to use it to find the things that bring me joy.  Be it reading a book, playing with the boys, putting on makeup, feeling the breeze on my face I will find time for it.

There will be more books.  Not just reading more, but talking more about what I'm reading. 

And, in the middle of the year, I would like to enrol in a TAFE university preparatory course.  I want to study, and this seems like the perfect way for me to get my feet wet.

Obviously, there are steps I need to take to get on top of my health.  For the physical aspects, I have started a new blog.  For the rest, this will remain my sounding board.

There will be more photos.

Of the boys.  Of all of us together.  Even of me.  If I died tonight, there would be only a handful (literally) of photos with me with the boys, or even with Joel.  Time to remedy that.  This year will be a big one for photos and video.

There will be more time spent outdoors with my family.  Beaches. Parks. Pools.  I'm a homebody, and have to force myself to go out, but am always so glad when we do.

More time swinging with the boys, rather than sitting back to watch.  More time sliding down the big slide and catching them at the bottom.

 I want to nurture relationships with the people I love, people who are good for me.  Tammy and Josh, Jake and Arlene.  I want to spend time with my nieces (Oh - did I tell you?  My newest niece has a name now - Kyra) and nephews. 

 

 

 

 

 

I would also like to push myself this year to write more.  Try to start writing fiction again, and perhaps essays and articles about the things I'm passionate about.  Try my hand at poetry.  Read far more poetry - it is still a goal of mine to learn far more poems.

 

I have a little bound journal and I have been filling it up with poetry and quotes that I love, and I'd like to fill it and at least another this year.

 

I want to take more time to nurture my relationship with Joel.  This has been a rough year for him and I want so much to make 2010 a good one for him.  I want to learn to ask for help from the people around us - ask them to take the boys so that we can spend time together, just the two of us.  As we go into our 13th year of marriage I want to be healthy and to be able to show him just how much I love him.

I'd also love this to be the year I get to catch up with some of my local(ish) blogging friends.  Some of the friendships I have made online have been incredibly special to me and I'd love to be able to actually get out and get to meet them properly.  Ren, Mel, Tanya, Georgie, Jenn - think we can try again for coffee or dinner?

Have a good, safe night everyone.  May 2010 bring all of us better times, laughs, love and happiness.

Finally, the house is quiet.

Joel's at work, Sam is at daycare, and Alexander is happily clicking away on GoogleEarth on his computer.  I may actually get some blogging done today!

Long overdue, I have to acknowldge a couple of lovely blogging friends who have given me awards.

Brooke, over at Getting Organised and my beautiful friend Tanya have awarded me the Honest Scrapper Award.  Apparently the rules are that I have to list 10 things people may not know about me.

Which is tricky, because I think I've done a few of these lists before.  But, lets see what obscure facts I can dredge up. ;-)

1.  I am deathly afraid of Cane Toads.  Pathetic, I know. Snakes I'm fine with.  Spiders? No problem.  Cane Toads paralyse me and I've been known to let out an embarrassingly girlish scream if I see one move.  Joel finds this most amusing.  Jerk.

2. I hate Dark Chocolate.  Hate it.  I know it's better for us, but I confess, I think it's horrible.

3. When Mum was dying, we had to thicken her drinks.  She was a tea drinker, had been her whole life. But normal tea was horrible thickened.  So we found her an apple and cinnamon flavoured tea that she didn't mind.  I still have the last box we bought before she died.  A couple of times a year, I get it down, and the smell takes me right back to all of those cups of tea I made her.   I'm so glad I kept it, because they don't make that particular brand anymore.

4.  I hate violent movies.  I can't watch them.  That goes for a lot of action movies and all horror movies.  I despise gratuitous violence, and the whole "It's just a movie" doesn't wash with me.  As yet, I've managed to avoid letting my sons watch any of the typical 'boys' (excuse the blatant gender stereotype there) movies - i.e. Spiderman/TMNT/Avatar/ etc.  He has yet to express any desire to see them, and I've none to expose them to him.

5.  I dont' drink anymore.  Well, almost don't drink.  I used to, and until a few years ago loved a good bottle of red.   Now I've found that as soon as I start drinking (I'm talking just a couple of sips), my joints ache, severely.  Far more than a couple of drinks are worth.  I'm a cocktail fan though, and once or twice a year, if we go out, I'll indulge. 

6.  I love the ocean.  Find it deeply calming and almost spiritual to watch it. But I'm not a fan of sand, and I hate swimming (read: am terrified of) in water where I can't see the bottom.

7.  I played netball in a league as a teenager.  I played Centre and Goal Attack. Preferred Centre.  I also coached a children't team.  I loved it. 

8. I am woefully terrible at geometry.  I was excellent at math (though it was all done in my head, I used to lose points for not being able to adequately put down on paper how I'd reached my answer),scored 100% on my algebra exam.  But geometry (and while we're at it - accounting and Physics) was totally beyond me.  Give me English, History and Biology any day.

9.  I do anything I can to avoid driving at night and in the rain.  And unless desperate, absolutely will not drive when it's both.  I don't trust my vision and genuinely struggle to see at night.

10.  I haven't drunk anything carbonated since I was 14.

Elizabeth over at Whining at the World has awarded me the Fabulous Sugar Doll Blogger Award.


What are the chances that I can use the ten things I just posted here as well?  I've been up with Sam since 3.30 this morning, and don't know that I have another 10 in me.

I will tag some people for this though.

Anna over at A Blog about a bloke living with WHS.  Her school holidays sound like they are going remarkably like mine, lol!

Brooke at Getting Organised, Getting Clean, Getting Creative.

Tanya, my dear friend over at Meaninless Meanderings of a Madmother (for Moof, who doesn't like my blog - That is alliteration.  Not so much the crap you came up with).

Karen over at Menopausal Mother.  One of my greatest comforts.

Nikoll (I hope I got that right) over at Queen Latina gets Personal.

Nicole at The Life of Us.

Simone over at Twingle Tales.  I cannot believe those boys are three!

Eden over at Tropical Eden. Because it's been 3 months now woman - get on with it!

Danni over at Ramblings of a Mama.  The rule is Dan, NOTHING about Sav! ;-)

Candi, over at Raising Willow...and Dexter.

My blog-neglecting Sister in law Tam at Madeline's Mummy. No excuses now sis, you have to blog.

Cesca from On the Garden Wall.

Help

I've tried 4 times this morning to send out invites to the other blog.  I don't think they have worked.  Could you let me know if you recieved one this morning?

Starting the new year with positives.

I know that really, January 1st is just another day.  But I think a part of me needs to look at it as a fresh start.  A chance to put this terrible year behind me and start afresh. 

I've set aside some relationships this year, firmly placing them in the unhealthy basket and will not come back to them until (if ever) I am healthy and well again. I'm comfortable with the decision and finally feel at peace with just letting these people go.

 I have rekindled a couple of old relationships, just in the past couple of weeks and I am keen to nurture them and see them develop further. 


I have a lot of healing to do this year.  I know I'm just at the early days of my diagnosis and there's plenty of work to be done, both with CBT and adjusting medications. I know there will be dark days ahead, but I want to remind myself of how far I have already come in the last 3 months.

I want to make an effort to actively look for things that make me happy.  It's just so easy to become submerged in depression and anxiety, and it chokes out any sunlight.  So, in an effort to force myself to see the good, I'm going to post every day in January.  Each day I will post about at least one thing that makes me happy.  A gratitude journal of sorts, I guess you could say.

Feel free to join.  It could be a lovely way to start the new decade.

A change is coming.

I have a new blog.

It's going to be a journal of one of my major goals this year - to lose 20 kgs. This isn't about wanting to 'look' good. This is about my health. My diabetes is getting out of my control and I need to do something about it right now, before it significantly shortens my lifespan.

The blog is open for a few days. It will go private on January 1st. If you are interested at all, let me know, and I'll get you the password so you can keep reading. I am all for honesty in my blog, and considered just keeping it on here. But I'm more than a little gun shy after the past few months, and would prefer not to give my sisters and sisters in law numbers to have 'fun' with at my expense.

So, if you're not related to me, and you want to follow, just let me know. My email address is joelmelissam97@hotmail.com.

See you over there.

Reminiscing

We were introducing the boys to yet more of the music of our youth tonight.(The poor children probably don't know a single Top 100 song,but know heaps of 60's,70's and 80's songs).

This is my favourite Chisel Song.



This is Alexander's favourite.

Annus horribilis

So. This year has kind of sucked for the Mitchell Household. I would be lying if I didn't say that I'm just so ready for it to be over.

I want January to come, I want a fresh start. I want so many things to be different next year.

I feel positive about the new year. I have made some goals (will post about them later today) and resolutions that I hope will make the new year a happier, more positive one for us.

What about you? How was your 2009?

Thanks for the tip.

I took your advice. One day, like to read Tully. But I just don't think that now is the time for it. I'm a little too vulnerable to a freefall of emotion and it takes far too little to send me there. So perhaps another time.

Instead, I went for the ultimate in fluffy Chick Lit. Knocked it over in a day and it was lovely. Just what I needed. Showed a really good insight into the points of view of both Working out of home Mothers and Stay at Home Mothers.

It's a good, relaxing holiday read.

Tell me it gets better

I've just started Tully. I'm about 3 chapters in.

I'm miserable. Tell me it gets happier. I feel so sad already.

Maybe now wasn't the best time for me to read this one.

It's going to be worth it, right?

Conversations you didn't think you'd have

"I don't care if it's just a toy one. We don't wash our brother's hair with an angle grinder"



Nuff Said.

The Impossible Dream

Is it possible to mourn something you've never had? Grieve for something that does not even exist? Dream constantly about something you know you simply can not have?



There are moments, when I close my eyes, I catch glimpses of you. My mind's eye can trace your skin, see your blue eyes My arms feel empty when I wake from dreams of two of you, pre teens, playing with your big brothers. My heart fills with love, expanding impossibly to fit you into it.


You don't even exist. You can never exist. You're nothing but a dream, the most futile of hopes.




It would be easy to dismiss this as newborn cluckiness - the makings of Averil's lovely Elle and my brand new, sweet smelling niece.

Except this has been months in the making. It has grown stronger,creeping into my sub conscious and blatantly wrapping itself around my heart.


It would be easy to say this is jealousy, a desire for the daughter I've dreamed of my whole life.

But there is at least one more boy in my dreams, another brother for Alexander and Sam.



There are so many reasons this dream really is impossible for us, not the least of which is the tubal ligation I had at Sam's birth.

We walked along the beach while we were camping, and I saw us through the eyes of the people who smiled at us. A perfect little family. Mum and Dad, kissing over the heads of two adorable brothers; all of us holding hands and laughing as we walked along the shoreline.

And as pround as I felt of my little family, I had the deepest, strongest sense that it isn't complete yet. That there should be more of us.

It is totally unreasonable, but I feel like I'm mourning the loss of these children I can never have. The personalities I can never watch emerge The relationships I can never watch develop.

I miss them. They don't exist, but I miss them.

Thunderstorm

A thunderstorm descended upon us this afternoon. Heavy rain, great flashes of lightning and violent claps of thunder.

I sat outside, letting the rain soak me, and I waited for my inspiration. It would not be the first time a storm has left me brimming with energy, creativity and emotion.

I felt nothing. Nothing came. Once again, I am completely numb.



There is just nothing. Except the thunder - angry clashes.


And then, the mournful, terrified cry of my littlest boy.

My heart hurt. And I was glad. I felt something. There is still something.


I held him in my arms, his chubby little hands wrapped tightly around my neck, and I buried my face in golden curls. I felt protective, motherly. I wanted to comfort him, protect him, make everything better. Enormous blue eyes welled with tears, looked trustingly into mine.




My heart hurt, and I am so utterly relieved. As brief as the storm, I felt something.

New Additions

I have a brand new niece! Joel's brother Jake and his wife Arlene provided our family with another beautiful girl, their third.

Arlene's previous two pregnancies have been very premature, and this clever little princess made it to 36+5, so we were so relieved.

With her proud big sister, Jada (Probably the person Alexander loves most in the world, outside of us. Jada is his hero).



With Zemirah



With a very clucky (and looking more than a little worse for wear) Aunty Lissa



Sisters.



This family is swimming in girls right now. Jake and Arlene have 3. Tammy and Josh have one. Shane and Melissa have one. There are 5 children under 2, with Sammy being the only boy.

I had a lovely cuddle with our newest (as yet unnamed, nothing seems to fit) Princess yesterday, and am hanging out for another one tomorrow.

Which one of you took it?

My writing mojo, that is. There is so much I want to say, but every time I sit here, I stare at a blank page and give up.

So many things I want to talk about, get off my chest. Nothing's flowing.

I'm here. I hope you are too.

Confessions

I have something to tell you. I've known it, of course, for years. I can't remember a time I didn't know.

It's never bothered me all that much in the past. I'd be aware of it, from time to time, but never gave it that much thought.

Lately though, it's hard to think of anything else. I feel like I have this scarlet letter etched on my forehead, for the whole world to see. I feel like it sets me apart from other women, in a world where it's already so easy to find oneself being judged.

I value my friendships with my online friends. All of you mean something to me, and I'm so afraid that if I divulge, some of you will see me differently. I may lose some of my followers, and I might earn the disapproval of people who mean more to me than they realise.


This is burning at me. A secret from my past that may now affect my entire future. My relationship with Joel, and my sons. A secret that will change how my sisters in law view me,and oh, but my Father and my In Laws. I don't know what my mother would have said.

Will you stay with me? Will I still have your support? I told Joel this morning. He didnt' see it coming. He was left speechless for a moment. I can't forget the look on his face - confusion at first, as though asking himself "What did she just say?". Disbelief. Then realisation dawning on him, pieces of a puzzle slipping into place, finally, after all these years. I thought he must have had some clue, read some of the signs. I wasn't that covert, not as much as I should have been. I think a part of me was crying out for him to notice. He never did.

He's with me so much, surely, surely he'd have known it was possible?

I can't blame the bipolar. Much as I'd like to think so, the panic attacks weren't responsible for setting me on this road. If I'm really honest, none of these are an excuse for my decisions. I know, that faced with them, I'd probably make the same choices again.



Will you hate me? Will you mock me? Am I the only one? Will you heap your scorn upon me, like hot coals? Can I tell you? Can I not? Can I keep blogging here, and pouring out my heart to you if I'm leaving out such an important detail.



No. It's better to be up front. For my own mind and peace, if nothing else. Here it is.















I've never, ever slept with Tiger Woods. Not even once.