I want off.
There's nothing but black. It's been building, this past week, but today I am filled with it. Filled with hate and defeat, my head overwhelmed with a desperate need to leave.
I want to run away. I want to leave everything and everyone and just be alone. I dont' want to talk. I don't want anyone to talk to me. I don't want the sound of the television. Music makes me want to scream. There is a happy, loud party happening right now next door and I shake with rage as I want to scream at them to shut the #@#% up.
I am hateful and and every polite word is forced, utterly fake. My mind is filled with filth and cruelty, things I want to say. Things I'd never dream of saying, things that can't be taken back. Today it is taking everything I have not to hurl them at anyone, at everyone.
I want to get drunk and run away, be reckless and not worry about anything but getting out of here. I want to take a box of Xanax and sleep until I'm me again.
You all think I'm nice, or strong, that I'm worth something. You're all so f@#$ing wrong. I'm not. Not today.
oh Mel :( I dont know what to say except Im sorry youre feeling the way youre feeling! Its happened to me too, its horrible and I hate it! I hope that this passes soon, am thinking of you beautiful xo
ReplyDeleteHeavy.
ReplyDeleteHaven't been here in a while (not by choice!).
Missed you.
xx
ReplyDeleteDeep breath and carry on.
ReplyDeleteHope venting this way helped.
It's my sincere belief all moms should be given a sensory deprivation tank at the birth of their first child.
Hope things look up soon.
Get it all out Mel, theres nothing wrong with feeling this way, type if till your fingers bleed, scream it into a pillow, anything to get it out. Thinking of you and hoping this passes quickly for you xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt WILL pass. Just be kind to yourself and don;t beat yourself up about what you are feeling right now. Let the thoughts be, without judgement. I'm sorry you are going through this. The cycle is exhausting but believe one day that things will get better for you.
ReplyDeletexxx
I had the exact same type of day yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI pop a valium and sleep it off when I can - also, have recently gone on the pill to see if that helps - we tracked these horrid black dark moods and found they conincided with pmt and ovulating.
None of us are strong every day. I think strength wears out, it gets nibbled away. Life needs so much strength sometimes.
Don't hate yourself for these moods - they are not you, they are your body's chemicals and hormones being out of balance. Under those circumstances its nigh on impossible to lift yourself out of it.
You are just being human. Be kind to yourself.
Some great advice here. I have nothing to add except to disagree with you and say that you are worth it.
ReplyDeletesending you HUGE hugs
ReplyDeleteMelissa - We all have days like that - when we are sick and tired of the crap around us. Days when we yearn to run away and say stuff you all. The difference is that your illness tells you that you are not worth it, that you are black and nasty and full of hateful words and feelings. So instead of listening to it, listen to us, your blog friends and family. We love you, we don't expect you to be perfect in any way shape or form. We love you because you are you. Black days, brights days, in between days - doesn't make a difference to us. We just love you. We all miss you when you are not here, we all understand you can't be here all the time. We see this and weep tears, not because we are disappointed in you, but because we wish we could hug you in person, give you a shoulder to lean on, take the burden. Take the tears and the love you find here and use them to give you strength. With all my heart I wish there as a magic wand to take this illness away. The reality is there is not, so I hope that in some small way being able to blog helps. Hugs from Perth xxx
ReplyDeleteHugs honey xx
ReplyDeletexxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteLove you.
I am so sad for you. Sending love. XXX
ReplyDeleteHey Mel. Has it passed yet. I've been thinking of you, especially since I have had my own couple of disgusting days recently. Take carexxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteHey Mel, how are you going? I keep checking back but you haven;t posted in a week. Im thinking of you and hoping you are ok xo
ReplyDeleteLove and miss you Melissa - hope the world is treating you a little better. Hugs from Perth xxx
ReplyDeleteMelissa please come back to us! When you are ready of course, but it is quiet here without you.
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing really amzingly lovely well. xx
Hi Mel,
ReplyDeleteI haven't been on for a while- I hope things are getting better.
Looking forward to an update letting us know that you are on the way up again.
xox
Hey Mel. Just checking in.
ReplyDeleteWhat's news? I hope whatever you're doing, you are staying true to how you really feel and need to express. When that gets lost, sometimes it's even harder to 'bounce back'.
Ive given you an award Mel..hope you're ok xo http://jemikaan.blogspot.com/2010/04/blogging-awards.html
ReplyDelete