Mon petit amour

You are three years old today, my baby boy!  You're getting so grown up, so suddenly!  Suddenly toilet training, talking, making friends.  My little baby is slipping away from me, turning into the most delighful of little boys.

From this...

To this...

And now this..

I am not quite sure how to wrap my head around this, my little love.  How is it possible that we've been lucky enough to love you for 3 whole years?  And how is it possible that we have only loved you for 3 years? 

I remember the first moment I disovered I was pregnant with you.  I remember how my hands shook and my heart raced.  I remember our fear for months, as we nearly lost you so many times.  But you're a stubborn little thing, my darling and finally, after the longest months of my life, you were ours.  Forever.

Before we decided to make you, my little Sam, we thought we were complete.  Daddy and Alexander and I - a perfect little family of 3.  I didn't think that anything was missing from my heart. 

Until you came along, Sammy Tom. I didn't know, of course, about your bright, sparkling blue eyes. I didn't know about your deliciously chubby cheeks and dimples.

I don't quite know what we did with ourselves before you came along, Little Sam. I'm sure life was exciting, and we laughed a lot. But not nearly as much as you make us laugh, little one. You're such a funny, cheeky boy. Daddy says you get that from me, you do seem to have my snarky sense of humour already. I'm a little nervous about what that will look like when you're 14. Will Mama have met her match?

I didn't know how much you were going to love your big brother. I didn't know that you were going to fall completely in love with him and give him the best friend he'd always wanted.

But oh, sweet boy. How much you have added to our family.  We are richer, happier, more complete than I had thought possible.  It's not so much that we needed you as we have been blessed with you - by you.  A perfect, wondrous gift to our family. 

You are incredibly passionate, fiesty.  You feel things so deeply - your love, your hate.  It washes over you with such force, sometimes i'm not sure you know what to do with it.  I know how that feels my darling, and I hope it gets easier for you.

You're obsessed with cars and trucks.  It seems so obvious, such a clear gender stereotype.  But you came upon it on your own, at such a tender age.  By the time you were a year old, it was by far your most devoted past time, lying on the floor parking your lines of cars and trucks. 

You're a terrible sleeper and eater, a pay off, I guess for such a dynamic personality.  But the hugs you give!  The charm of you!  The ladies at daycare are openly smitten by you.  When you walk up to Sue and kiss her hand, she actually swoons.  And don't you know it?  They say you give the best hugs they have ever, ever had.  I'm inclined to agree.  I could sit and hold you for hours, Sam.

You come into our bed each night now, a new habit.  And while I don't sleep a wink while you're there, I seem utterly incapable of discouraging the habit.   You hop in with me, back to my front, head on my arm, hand in mine. "Huggie Mama", you whisper as you drift immediately back to sleep, and I'm left, filled with wonder as I breathe you in.  For hours I can lie there, just tracing my hand up and down your arm, until Daddy finally plucks you from my arms and deposits you, all tucked in to your own bed.  I know it's where you belong, but oh, my arms feel strangely empty without you in them, Sam.

Are you doing this for you or for me?  Do you need the extra comfort from Mama lately?  Or are you giving me a precious, amazing gift?  Longer with my last baby.  Time with you, knowing this is the last time I will experience this, letting me savour every moment you give me?

Maybe it's both.  I don't mind which.  I just know that for as long as I live, Samuel, I will never, ever forget this.  I will never forget these past few months of having you in my arms so much.  I will forever cherish the memory of your curls tucked under my chin, your hand grasping mine.  Your breath sychronised with your Daddy's.

 We love you, Little Love.  Thank you for being such a wonderful part of our family.  Thank you for letting us love you forever.

Mama

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