Finally - the house to myself and a chance to blog! It's been a while, my friends. I sincerely hope you've had a wonderful, safe break and you're all looking forward to a happy 2011.
2010 was a bit of a mixed bag here. I had originally thought this post would be a 'screw you' to 2010. I've been in constant pain (well, for 13 years, but moreso) since February, and in severe pain for 4 months now. The kind of pain that has left me unable to function normally. Our lives, right now, are being completely controlled by my body.
We lost 3 friends this year. Two of them in the past fortnight. Truthfully, I'm rocked to the core by these two. My head can't seem to comprehend a world where they don't exist anymore. My friend Kim died just two days ago. She had breast cancer (I blogged about it here) and had a double masectomy - where they were able to remove all of the cancer. I was overjoyed to hear it. But as my depression took hold, I lost contact with many of my friends, unable to face large groups, or my old friends. I was unaware that recently cancer was found in her liver. It was ferocious - mercilessly making it's way through her body. I got a call onWednesday that she had been placed in palliative care in hospital, that there were days left. She died hours later.
For a number of years, Kim was my best friend. Our husbands worked together. At one point, we lived next to each other - sharing a back fence. I remember this ridiculous 100m cable between our two homes, networking our computers - before the days of Wifi. We had a gate between our homes, and an intercom. There were many laughs as one or the other of us forgot to turn them off. We walked together every day, and lived in and out of each other's homes (me mostly in hers) for the better part of 5 years. It was Kim who helped me work through the grief of the loss of our first baby.
And now, astonishingly - she is gone. Just gone. Leaving behind a husband who's loved her for 25 years. A daughter, newly married, who needs her mother. A son, who was desperately close to her. A frail, elderly mother of her own, who I'm sure is simply staggered to have lost her beloved daughter. She was only a couple of years younger than my own mother - in her 40's - far too young to be gone.
But, despite these negatives, this year is finishing ok. In the past couple of weeks there has been some reconciliation with some of Joel's family. I wouldn't say things are back to normal, but I can honestly say there is progress, and hope for a better year ahead. I hope so, desperately, for Joel and the boys' sakes. I want so much happiness from them, and I just know that a good relationship with Joel's siblings and Alexander's cousins will go a long way to acheiving that.
The boys are happy and healthy (if not STIR CRAZY in our Big Wet). Alexander, for the first time, finds himself in a group of friends. Friends who understand (to a point, they are, after all, only 7 or 8) the things that make him different, but are able to find common ground. This year has been up and down for my firstborn, but for him, according to him, it has been wonderful - because he has 'best friends'.
Add to that the recent reconnection with some of his cousins, and my boy is as happy as can be!
And even little Sammy has a 'best' friend. The daughter of my best friend Catrina is just a little bit younger than Sam. Thursdays was "Library day" and Grace and Sam would spend the entire morning, taking over our local library while Trine and I read books, drank coffee (waaaay too much coffee) and chased them out of the toilets or stopped their joint escapes.
His real love though, is Trina herself. My little man has his first love - "Tri-ya
and not a day has gone by in the past 6 months that he hasn't asked for her, cried for her, begged to see her. I tried to tell him I had her first, but alas, the boy is smitten! Sam's idea of heaven is hanging out with Trina and her beautiful family (and terrorising their poor dog).
All in all, my little family, despite some definite hardships, is mostly healthy and happy. Completely besotted with each other still - one of those openly affectionate, positively affirming, loving families i always wanted. They are incredible and what I am unquestionably most proud of.
For me? This year I have been blessed with new friends. The best friends I've ever had. Actual laugh for hours over coffee-call in an emergency-part of the family girlfriends. Relationships more equal and calming (read:healthy) than most I've had previously.
We've had our dramas, certainly. Illness for each of us, depression, misunderstandings, family dramas. But through it, we've forged something strong and lasting. I can't fathom the thought of my life without them. I consider myself truly blessed to have them in my life. A year later, I still couldn't tell you what made them (already established in their own unbreakable friendship) look my way and take me into their fold, but I'll be forever grateful for it.
They knew the bad stuff. They knew I'm not great at this friendship thing. I'm not good at maintaining them - when my depression/anxiety is bad, I withdraw completely. Unable to call, visit, sometimes literally unable to speak. I figured I was more trouble than I was worth (I still do, truth be told). I kept waiting for them to decide this wasn't worth the work. They haven't. Stubborn, dogged, they refuse to let me go. They refuse to let me hide forever in my shell. And more...they make me not want to hide. I crave their presence, as I have never done with a single friend in my life.
With a momentous change like that, how can I write off 2010 as a bad year. It wasn't perfect, but it brought me something truly priceless.
So, for 2011 - I hope for nothing but health and happiness for the people I love. I hope my health improves enough for me to function properly. I want my children to continue to thrive, and to discover their indoor voices. I want my friends to still love me this time next year.
I want all of you, my blogging friends, to have your dreams come true. I wish you health and happiness, and a safe 2011.
And, as with every year so far, I want to end it even more completely in love with my best friend, the man who 14 years ago last night, dropped to one knee and asked me to be his wife. I wish for a wonderful year for the love of my life.
The rest is just frosting.
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