Summer memory

It's the mangos.  Everywhere I go, I smell them.  The heady scent of summer is impossible to miss; and as my feet drag me through the produce section I find my stomach churning, a heaviness I can't shift as I madly push back memories I don't want forced upon me in such a public place. Customers keep giving them to Joel to bring home, and my entire house smells, somehow of her. I feel like I can't get away from that day.

Somehow everything I own smells of you; And for the tiniest moment it's all not true...

She loved mango.  It was her favourite fruit.  And it was the very last food she could eat before we had to start pureeing everything. Every morning, I would prepare mango for her breakfast, and she would savour every second as it easily slid down her throat.  It was a moment in her day of pure joy, a chance to forget all that this disease was taking from her.

And then one morning she woke up and choked on it.  She could no longer swallow the simplest of foods.  Her beloved morning tradition was gone, and the disease had robbed her completely of the joy of food. It was a shattering day.  Tears were shed.  Light ones together, trying to be philosophical.  Wretched, heaving sobs later.
And now, almost 7 years later, this ubiquitous mark of summer can instantly transport me back to that morning.  Sitting at her dining table, watching yet another freefall in the progression of her disease.  Watching it defeat her, and take away one of her few remaining comforts.

I hate the smell of mango.  It is everywhere, and I cannot get her out of my head.

Time

When I started this blog, Alexander was 4, and Sam was 10 or 11 weeks old.  We were a couple of months from Alexander starting Prep, and were still undecided about whether to send him, whether or not he was ready.  His paediatrician cetainly was of the opinion that he wasn't, and that he wouldn't cope with school at all. 

Today, I dropped Samuel off into his first day at his Pre-Kindy room at Daycare.  And I dropped Alexander off to his first day of Year 2!  His third year of school.  He is in a composite class of Years 2 and 3.  How far we've come, my friends.  My boys are growing up before my eyes, and I can't believe how fast it's going.

Time moves on and like the tides, we're simply powerless to stop it.  It moves forward and leaves us breathless in it's wake. 

What I wouldn't give for a pause button.

Lost

I'm feeling a bit flummoxed at the moment.  I have things I want to talk about, but I come here every day to do it and it all gets a bit hazy.  I'm having trouble articulating what's bothering me at the moment.  I'm feeling very disconnected from everything around me.  I'm in my head far too much, but it's so loud it's hard to make sense of any of it.

My dreams are filled with sadness and anger and hatred (directed at me) and I'm sleeping poorly because of it.  I avoid sleep until I can't stay awake a moment longer then doze in fitful sessions, awaking with a sense of dread several times a night.

I think I'll sort myself out better when Alexander is back at school and we have something of a routine happening again. I need to reconnect with my psych team (it's been nearly 7 weeks) and adjust medications.  I need quiet time to sort out the mess of thoughts running around my head, faster and louder than usual.

Bear with me.  I'm still functioning, but barely.  My attention span is down to almost nothing, and this is the longest I've focused on one task in weeks.

I hope you're all ok.  I haven't been able to really do any reading, so I apologise for not keeping in touch through your blogs.  I'm hoping to get some time over the weekend (Joel is taking Alexander camping).

Things I'm Grateful For #13

As Alexander and I returned from dropping Sam off at daycare this morning, I knocked over a bottle of Joel's aftershave. 

I asked Alexander to leave his shoes on, and helped him into the living room, so that he didn't cut himself on the glass.  I spent the next half hour or so cleaning up, while he watched (I mopped the floor 4 times, and now, 10 hours later, the house still smells of Joel).

A couple of times, he asked if he could walk past the spill (in the hallway) and into the garage.  I said no, sending him back to watch TV.  He was insistent and I even more so, not knowing why he wanted to go into the garage.

As I was finishing up, Alexander walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me.  "Thank You", he whispered, snuggling his head against my stomach.

I ran my fingers through his hair, just the way he likes, and we walked to the sofa.  "For what?" I asked.
"I liked the way you took care of me before.  I liked that you told me to leave my shoes on and you helped me get away from the glass.  It's because you love me and you didn't want me to cut myself".

"That's right, I didnt' want you to get glass in your feet".  He smiled.

"You always protect me and look after me.  I love that you do that and I know that you love me".  A smile on both our faces.  His fell.  "But Mummy", says he, an actual tear threatening to spill as his lips turned downward.  "I wanted to look after you too.  I didn't want you to cut yourself.  I want to be able to look after you like you look after me".


Sigh.  Honestly.  He's just the sweetest thing.

Things I'm Grateful For #12

Ooh, I'm barely scraping this one in under the clock. :-)

It was a quiet day with the boys today. Lots of playing, lots of laughing and tickling. But it was a long day and both of the boys missed their Daddy.  He left before they woke and returned long after the sun had set.

Joel is working some long hours, and was gone today for more than 13.  He came home sore and weary and in desperate need of sleep.  He had paperwork to do and I knew he was going to fade fast.

But, beautiful soul that he is, he pushed all of that aside to just hang wtih his boys. They delighted in his company, clinging to him, climbing over him, competing for his attention.

He didn't so much as sit down to eat dinner until they were both asleep.  Didn't want to miss a minute.

Tonight, I'm grateful that this beautiful soul chose to make these children with me.  I'm grateful that he is such an amazing father, a loving, gentle guide for my two little men. He is everything I ever imagined the father of my children would be.

I watch them together, the three of them smiling up at me and I know, I really appreciate what I'm looking at.  These three men.  Mon coeur.  My heart.  They have it. It is filled with love and gratitude and I willingly give it. And I know it's completely safe in their hands.  They love me back.

Nothing else matters, does it? How can I be anything but grateful?

Things I'm Grateful For #11

I've had a migraine for nearly 24 hours, so didn't get a chance to get this one in today.  So for now, I will say I'm grateful for my wonderful husband. He took the afternoon off work, took me to get my license back (finally, after 7 weeks) and then put me to bed for the rest of the day.

I'm thankful for my little boy, so concerned about his Mummy, so comforting as I lay in bed.  Snuggling in, telling me how much he loved me, how much he had missed me this afternoon.  Thankful for the ache in my heart as I heard him get teary, the depth of emotion I felt for this wonderful child of my heart as he articulated the depth of his.  "It's just that I love you so much, Mummy, I needed to be with you.

Healing words.

Things I'm Grateful For #10

The gentle hand of a woman I barely knew, bringing me back from the precipice of a panic attack. In a room full of more than 100 people I felt both completely overwhelmed and utterly alone; until she placed her hand on my back, softly stroking it as she took her seat in front of me. Eye contact for the briefest of seconds, careful not to scare me off, enough to show me she knew, and that she cared.

Her husband is an elder in our church and recently became aware of my situation.  I'd given him permission to tell her.  Today I'm so grateful that I did.  I'm so grateful she cared enough to reach out to me. That she'd been perceptive enough to know I needed her to.

I made a new friend today.

Things I'm Grateful For #9

Beautiful night skies.   I headed out at aroudn 7.30 last night for a one hour walk.  The stars were out and it was just beautiful.  I was able to double the walk I did on Thursday night, and add quite a few hills to it.  Every time it got hard, and I wanted to stop, I'd just look up and focus on the multitude of twinkling stars, and before I knew it, i was up the hill.

Things I'm Grateful For #8

Given my last post, this one is a no-brainer.

I'm grateful for these two amazing, adorable, wonderful children I am priveleged to raise.

I am grateful for brothers who adore each other's company. (Believe it or not, this was the beginnings of a hug).

I am grateful for the chance to mother these two boys, so different in nature but each filling my heart with joy and love.

I am grateful for a two year old who is becoming exuberantly affectionate - offering "huggies" to anyone, kisses given with such love and joy.

I am grateful to be the mother of an almost-seven year old boy.  Sweet, earnest, loving, compassionate.  Eager to please everyone.  The best big brother a little man could hope for.  The best son any two parents could wish for.

I'm grateful for cuddles and kisses.  I'm grateful for the huge stacks-on tickle fests of today that left us laughing so hard we cried. I'm grateful for the squeals of delight and outstretched arms that greeted me after my walk today.

I'm grateful that I got to tuck two happy, healthy, alive children into their beds tonight. I'm reminded that this isn't always guaranteed and that I ought to be grateful every single time I do.

Olivia

I was browsing EB and some blogs tonight when I came across some shattering news.  A mother in NSW has suffered the worst of all possible losses.  Her 9 year old daughter was killed in a horrific collision with a truck on Wednesday, and her sister is currently in a critical conditon.

Please head on over to Kate's blog and offer her your condolences.  Take a moment to let her know she is in the thoughts of mothers all over the country.  Take a moment to be grateful for our livign, breathing children and if you are inclined, pray for this family as they face the gaping wound left when they lose one of their own.

Kate. You've no idea how sorry I am for your loss.  How proud you must be of Bailey for her quick, calm thinking.  My thoughts are with your sister as she battles for her life, and your entire family as you face this tragedy together.

Things I'm Grateful For #7

The way he kissed me this morning. The whisper of his lips at my ear - words of need and want and love. That spot on my back that he kept going to, the one he knows I love.  The deep, urgent kisses up against the pantry. The slow, lingering kisses at the front door.

He is what I'm grateful for today.

Things I'm Grateful For #6

I forgot to post my "Things I'm Grateful For" yesterday.  Well, not quite.  I kind of posted it in the other blog.

I'm grateful that a week in (I know it's just a week), I have lost 2kgs.  I've lost a cm off all of my measurements.

But I've lost more than that.  Already, I'm forming new habits, to replace my old, unhealthy ones.  I've stopped eating out of boredom.  I've stopped (though this has been very, very difficult) my middle of the night eating, my biggest weakness and a habit that has formed over the past year or two.

I'm now thinking consciously about whether I'm hungry. About what I'm putting into my body. And about portion size. I'm learning not to trust my stomach to tell me it's full - as it rarely does until I've binged.  Rather, I'm being cautious with my portion sizes and making myself stop.  As much salad or steamed veges as I want, but minimal carbs (I still need some, but I'm eating Low GI) and smaller serves of protein. 

I'm more active. I'm spending less time just sitting and more walking around, playing with the boys, bouncing on the trampoline or working out. 

Speaking of which.  I'm grateful for Ibuprofen.

Things I'm Grateful For #5

Today I'm grateful for giggles and squeals, chubby little hands in mine and two little exercise buddies, cheering me on. 

They were so in the way deliciously cute as I went about my workouts today (I managed to do 2 30 minute sessions!), 'helping' me 'do a great job'.

Sam's back in daycare tomorrow, so I may actually get to do a session without tripping over him.   But I'm not entirely sure it'll be the same without his little hand in mine. Or his offers of a bottle of water after each section of the workout (a different bottle each time, lol!).

I'm grateful that despite it being a very, very long day and Sam getting underfoot he made me laugh and smile and just want to squeeze the cuteness out of him.


Excuse the spaghetti Sauce, but Sammy's blowing you a kiss.

Hydrangeas

The past year or so, as I've become more and more obsessed  conscious of the colours around me, I have completely fallen in love with hydrangeas.

And while blogging today, I learned a fact about them that I didn't know.  Of course, I have the blackest of black thumbs, so perhaps the rest of the world knew. But not I. 

Zoey, over at Ramblings of a Wife and Mama had a picture of a beautiful pink one, and mentioned that the colour of hydrangeas is determined by the pH balance in the soil. 

Apparently, acidic soil will produce the blue flowers, and the less acidic the pinks. 

Lime will produce the pink blooms.

And the lovely blues can be attained by adding aluminium sulphate.

Aren't they gorgeous?  What flowers do you like?

And yes, this is me posting useless (but pretty!) crap until my mojo returns.  Why do you ask? ;-)