First disclaimer. This was written by a man far, far sicker than I. He was facing a serious, life threatening illness, and of course, I'm not even nearly.
BUT. This also applies, in my opinion to people with long term, chronic illnesses. The types of illnesses that pernamantly, or even for a considerable time, make their lives very difficult, leaving them unable to
I post this not to hurt anyone. This is not directed at anyone in particular, so please don't read it and think "Crap. I did that". I can't think of any specific people who have said these things, though I know I have heard them all.
The 6 things never to say to someone with a life-threatening illness.
Thank you for sharing this one with us. It should be on the walls of each and every hospital. And of the things you should say/should do, number 4 'I love you' is my favourite. And gossip is often good (that probably makes me a bad, trivial person, but so be it).
ReplyDeleteIt is hard not to commit crimes against the first six though, particularly when you are geographically removed.
You're right, about the first 6. They are easy ones to make. I've been guilty (despite living in serious pain for the past 13 years, but particularly delbilitating the last 10months) of using #2. Because when you're far removed (geographically), it's all you've got.
ReplyDeleteBut if one more person tells me I don't look sick......!
Apparently sometimes my eyes don't look like I'm sick - cause that's the definitive test, doncha know!! I do try to be polite when someone says something but as I posted the other day sometimes I get snarky and passive-agressive.
ReplyDeleteMy mantra is "smile and nod" when I'm being told about a cd/food/potion/whatever-cured-their-mum's-hairdresser's-best-friend.
I try so hard to remember that most people are coming from a good place (and this isn't a trite admonition to anyone else, just explaining my thought process) but sometimes it's hard. I also try to remember that I've done/said some similarly stupid/unhelpful things in the past - also from a good place. That helps me.
So, so true. My personal favourite is the "you look good" thing. First of all, I don't look good, I am paler than pale, I have big, black bags under my eyes, I can't walk properly (unless I am drugged up to my eyeballs and then I fall over so probably not so good either), my fingers are misshapen and strange and I am losing weight at a rate of knots - also sometimes with a puffy face depending on pred/no pred. I look like hell. Second, you know I am sick, you know I have been sick for years at this point, telling me I look well just makes me want to scratch out your eyes then go and sob in a corner.
ReplyDeleteThe other one I loathe is just "how are you?", mostly via phone or text. Every. Single. Day. Not the condescending version. It's just that it makes me feel like I should have some positive news to offer. The best I can give is, this part of me hurts less today whilst this part hurts more. The fact is, I am the same. I am crappy, everything hurts, everything is hard. I wish people would just stop.
Wow, that was really cathartic. You know what we should do? We should find a place (maybe just emailing each other back and forth) where we can just say all the ranty, whiny things we need to say but can't (to anyone except husbands). I think it would be awesome.
xxxxxxx
Are you (this is for you EC and TG as well) on FB? We could talk more easily there.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.facebook.com/mobileprotection#!/profile.php?id=705842596 is me, if you want to add.
C, I could have written your post word for word. That's EXACTLY how I feel to the genuinely sweet "how are you today". Like I wish, so badly that there was something GOOD I could say. But the fact is, sure, my left hip is better than yesterday, but today I can't move my right arm at all and I can't put weight on my left leg doesn't really cut it.
I can't believe how similar we are, it's amazing to run into people who get this.
Melissa...I have no experience, real or imagined of what it takes to live day in and out with chronic illness. I sometimes suffer from Migraines and after 3 days of them (which only happens once every few months), I can quickly spiral into feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed. To have to 'deal' with pain day in and out for months on end ...
ReplyDeleteA post like this is somewhat confrontational for me in that I am guilty of doing some of the things mentioned...out of cluelessness and carelessness.
I hope your health improves very soon and I like to think I have learnt something new today,from you.
Thanks,
Kirri
Melissa...I have no experience, real or imagined of what it takes to live day in and out with chronic illness. I sometimes suffer from Migraines and after 3 days of them (which only happens once every few months), I can quickly spiral into feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed. To have to 'deal' with pain day in and out for months on end ...
ReplyDeleteA post like this is somewhat confrontational for me in that I am guilty of doing some of the things mentioned...out of cluelessness and carelessness.
I hope your health improves very soon and I like to think I have learnt something new today,from you.
Thanks,
Kirri