Tuesday, 9 August 2011
The Tuesday Blues
I don't know what it is about Tuesdays, but I have noticed that the past couple have been feeling like deja vu. Back when my last major depressive episode was at it's worst, for some reasons Tuesdays seemed to be my worst day. I'm not sure why. I think because Joel was home weekends, and I loved that. And I like Mondays (I know. It might make me the devil. But it's true. I always feel a sense of renewal and optimism on a Monday). But the inevitable crash seemed to follow, almost like clockwork.
I haven't thought about it in a long time, and it hasn't been an issue. But recently, given all of my other health issues, and the emotional toll they are taking, it was time to 'man up' and go back to my GP. We had to talk about upping my anti-depressants.
Not idea. I guess. As someone who had hoped one day to come off them (and indeed, this time last year, I felt like I was almost ready to approach him about coming off them, as I'd had several wonderful months). But there's no way around it. He got a government authorisation to change my script and labelled this another major depressive epsiode.
Nothing Joel and I didn't know. We've seen it building. More and more of me, swinging between crying and worse. Vacant. Numb. so flat I could barely summon the energy to cry. Or speak. Or get out of bed.
That's how I feel today. I want to cry. My heart and my stomach hurt, like I'm about to cry. But I swear, I don't think I have the energy.
And I feel like a fraud. Because yesterday was a good day. I mean, a really good day. I had fun on twitter with some friends. I read on the computer. I played with and tickled Sam to within an inch of his life. I snuggled with Alexander. The house is (reasonably) clean.
And I was able to reach out to 3 separate people, all struggling at the moment. And yesterday, I meant everything I said. And by midnight, this.... nothing had settleld back under my skin and made it's way through my veins, reaching all parts of me.
I feel like a fraud because nothing has happened. Nothing is different to yesterday. Samuel is being beautiful and sweet. Alexander got off to school with his favourite Aunt and Uncle this morning (he loves Tuesdays because they take him). I want Joel, but I don't want to talk to anyone, even him. I want to sleep. The deep, chemically induced sleep of the tired, the beaten, the deeply depressed.
But that's how depression works, isn't it? No matter how many times I say to people "this isn't a reflection on you, your family, your relationship etc, depression is a chemical imbalance. An illness" - remembering that when you're in it...a whole other matter.
I just want to sleep. Even though I know i will wake up feeling the same. I will simply want to sleep some more.
I had 3 seperate posts planned for today. Now I can't seem to find the motivation to write any of them. Maybe tonight. Maybe I'll feel better tonight.