15 years ago tonight, at about 9pm, I stood in the misting rain with the man I loved. He'd been my best friend for more than a year. He'd declared his love for me 12 short weeks before. We'd known, right away that there would be no 'dating'. Not 'getting to know' each other. We were the type of best friends who knew the good and the bad. We'd talked about unrequited loves, we'd talked about our families, what we wanted when we finally found the one. We'd talked about marriage and children and religion and money and jobs and politics (I have too many opinions, he has too few,lol). We'd had months of no-one believing for a moment that we weren't in love, no matter what we said (we were telling the truth. Maybe? We weren't in a relationship at all though) and then wanting to know why the hell not.
I was far to frightened and skittish to even let myself go there with Joel. He was off limits. It would have been to take the biggest risk - to take an incredibly happy, easy, meaningful relationship and change the dynamic.
But there was no helping it. He told me he loved me. I argued. We argued. I couldn't mess with things, everything was just perfect the way it is. And there was a part of me who still believed that I would not marry early. That men my age would not see past a size 16 figure. He had never been attractive to anyone like me before, why would he be now? No. Best to leave things alone.
I wrote him a letter explaining why I didn't want a relationship (except for the "I'm unlovable" part). He was on my doorstep the next morning. He kissed me again. Strongly, purposefully. Determined. And as my arms made my way from his chest to around his neck, playing with the soft curls there, it was done. All too late. We were helplessly in love.
We knew, from the very beginning of our romance, this was a forever love. We could settle for nothing less. It was to take the biggest risk of all - to take an incredibly happy, easy, meaningful friendship and changing the dynamic.
And we knew, that sooner rather than later, we would wed.
Still. There has to be that moment, doesn't there? A moment when a beautiful and wistful idea becomes something more. Words are spoken, 6 words that turn a lovely thought as I fall asleep at night, missing him already; into something real, deliberate, decisive.
I was giddy from the rain (I'm easily pleased). I was talking a mile a minute while he smiled indulgently at me (not a lot has change there, sorry Baby). I suspected, though it would be years before I told him I'd known. But know I did..his eyes gave it away. He had a look on his face like he just couldn't wait anymore. It had to be now.
And I stood there, and there were but a few thoughts in my normal frantic head. I knew we were in it. It was unplanned. As in, unplanned for this moment. I knew he didn't have the ring yet. But I knew this was it. And it was almost like a soft focus, though I remember details. I could smell rain and jasmine. To this day it is one of my favourite scents, and it never fails to take me back to that night.
I was so happy to be getting the soft shower from above, almost feeling like God's blessing on this moment. We were outside and I loved that despite the light mist, we could still see the stars. I smelled Joel's aftershave - Obsession. Just a hint of it. He wore a long sleeved, dark blue dress shirt, and black dress pants.. That blue is still my favourite colour to see him in. I have no idea what I wore. I can't find it in myself to care.
There was no soft music. There were no fireworks. There was no public declaration of love (oh, I will never thank him enough for that. I find them cute for other people. Mortifying for me). There was just a boy, down on one knee, asking a girl to marry him. And 15 years ago tonight, I said Yes.
I don't have our proposal on tape of course, but they're on my mind. I love a soppy love story and a teary proposal. Here's some videos for you, just for something happy to watch today.
(He can't sing, but I'll confess. I got teary. I'm blaming the hormones).
A funny one...
It's been 15 years since that perfect moment. He's given me a thousand more perfect moments. He's still the love of my life. I love you Joel, even more than I did that night, under the stars, in the mist.
