New Blog Hops..

First, from Jen over at The King and Eye.

How many posts do you have languishing in your archives? Great posts that will never be dusted off and brought out to breathe again! Maybe you created fabulous content before you had lots of followers, or maybe you have been blogging for years and your current followers haven't seen your older material.

I have a plan.

Blog Gems - Air Your Archives is a forthnighly linky list where I will give a prompt and you select a post from your archives that fits the prompt. You do not have to create content for the prompt, unless you want to. All you have to do is copy and paste the url of the post into the linky list. Voila, an old post gets a second shot!

To take part:

1. Follow my blog to get future Blog Gem posting information and linkys.

2. Grab the Blog Gem button and place it on your sidebar (html code here or above)

Putting the button on your blog is not a dealbreaker, some people just don't like doing it and I have no problem with that at all. What I will say is that something like this can't be successful without 'word of mouth' so I would appreciate if you could find another way to let people know that this is available and they are welcome to join in.

3. Enter your link.

4. Read and comment on the submissions of the two blogs posted before you on the linky list. (Please!)

5. Help me spread the word by telling your blogging friends, either by tweeting this or blogging about your entry.

This week is all about happy thoughts, because I need 'happy' at the moment. Anything happy, funny or heart warming will do, your choice!

Broad interpretations of the prompt are encouraged!

For any newer bloggers don't worry if you have to link up posts that you have linked up before, it is very unlikely that you will end up with the same readers as last time so continue to join in and have fun. Many, many thanks to those of you that blog about Blog Gems, I really appreciate the links and help getting the meme 'out there'.

I thought this week, I'd (re)share a post I did a while back called "These Hands".  

 image from Tumblr.com

Joel won't let me call this post what I want to call it....

I meant to flog my blog.  Honest I did.  I had plans for Friday.  Sammy was finally going back to daycare, Alexander was going to school.  I had plans to blog, read and sleep.

Except I went to bed on Thursday night writhing in pain, thinking I'd done something new to my back.  Took some mersyndol, couldn't get on top of the pain.  Was up from 2am - nothing worked.

By 7 I was feverish and beginning to suspect this wasn't my back.  I sent Joel to work, despite his misgivings.  He'd already had enough time off looking after me this month. 

By 7.30, I was walking around the house like a woman in labor.  Moaning and rocking and crying on the bed.  My poor children.  I resolved I'd get them to school and take myself to the Doctors.

I made it as far as daycare.  I walked in the door, and the director was walking by.  I tried to speak to her, ask her to take Sam, and I collapsed.  They got me into the office and called an ambulance.  It's sketchy, but I was barely lucid.  I couldn't seem to open my eyes or answer questions.  I remember my entire body was shaking violently.  I remember panicking that I had to take Alexander to school to get him a Sports House shirt, as Friday was the cut-off. 

I know, in hindsight, it was the most stupid thing to be thinking about.  But I remember crying that I HAD to drive Alexander to school.  Obviously I was overruled, and the staff weren't letting me move.  Another parent from the school happened to be there as this was happening, and took him.  Not only that, but I found out later, she also paid for a shirt for him (flowers and chocolates coming her way).

I was transported to hospital, despite my objections.  I had taken 2 mersyndol forte (the last of them) at about 7.30, and at this point (8.30ish) the pain had dropped from an 11 or 12 (honestly worse than labour) to about a 7.  I felt like it would go away and I should go home.

8 hours later, 2 separate bags of antibiotics*, an ultrasound and xray as well as a myriad of blood tests, and It was decided I had two separate infections (one mild dose of cystitis, that I was aware of, but it was so mild i had been treating it with cranberry for a few days) and a more serious kidney infection that I hadn't known was there. 

And kidney stones.  Oh.My.Goodness.  I cannot describe the pain.  It is excruciating and it's not a pain I could breathe through or force myself (mentally) to get on top of. It completely had control over me.

It was the mention of the fact that I'm on such high levels of prednisone that got them worried. (Or interested, actually.  Apparently a 35 year old woman with a pending diagnosis of Temporal Arteritis and Polymalgia rheumatica is facinating). I'm immunosuppressed, so they weren't prepared to take it lightly.  Unfortunately for me (and this may be where the squeamish among you might choose to turn away or scroll down), they suspected that I had also managed to contract a spinal infection.

Do you know how they check for that?  Well, they first of all get you a doctor who can barely speak the language - enough so that not a single other member of staff knows more than her name, they don't even know where she comes from!  Have her mention to me something abotu checking my ' nerves in the back'.  Have me roll over and get kind of uneasy as she asks me to bend my knees up to my chin.

Then freak the hell out as she inserts two fingers where no two fingers ought to go.  I swear, I had no idea. I admit that a)I clearly misunderstood her (the language barrier) and b) I was pretty out of it.  But...I was kind of traumatised!  NOT where I thought my day was goign to go.

Joel thinks "I was going to flog my blog but all I got was this lousy rectal exam" might be a bad blog title.  what do you think?



*Funny story.  They have me the two antibiotics.  Ran one through, then a bag of saline before they started the second infusion.  Nurse said they had to run the saline through as they couldn't have the two drugs mixing in the tubing.  I remember thinking that I was suddenly not so sure I wanted them mixing in my tubing then......

So. Back home now.  The severe pain of the kidney stones has passed, but the kidney infection is knocking me around a bit.  Will be back to normal programming soonish.


Except it looks like Sam has whooping cough.  Go on.  Laugh.  I have to.  Because really, I couldn't make this sh!t up....


I have a Drs appointment with my GP on Wednesday.  Just to check on my AT, and the prednisone doses etc.  The hospital gave me a letter for them, filling him in on what happened.  I swear, I think I'm too embarrassed to give it to him.  Who gets Giant Cell Arteritis (incredibly rare at my age) AND kidney stones in the same month??????

This is NOT Hump Day Happiness

I can't stop crying today.  Both of my children were taken from my arms, distraught.  Clinging to me, just needing to be with their Mama.

And I'm in no position to be healthy for them to be around today.  I want everything to go away. I hate me, I hate my body, I hate every f*cking thing about myself today. My husband is going to buckle under the immense strain of our lives right now, and I am nothing but a hindrance. I can't comfort him - I only give him more to worry about.

My last 6 months have visibly impacted my children in heartbreaking ways. I'm terrified for Joel.  I want to go away.

Sunday Sessions

Time for Thea's Sunday sessions.  Head on over to her blog for the details.

Ok - so I know this clip is contraversial - most of you will know why.  So please, if you feel that this could be a trigger for you - give it a miss.  I've added it because I love this song, and I know this is an issue facing so many people, especially (but not only) young girls.



And for an 'oldie' (calling this song old makes me feel old - this doesn't feel like it was that long ago).  It's one of my favourite songs of all time.  There has been a cover done, and it is on the Aria Charts.  It is an abomination (no, I'm not overreacting, why do you ask?).

Here's the real thing.  Crowded House - Fall at your Feet.



Joel and I stayed up last night, listening to Crowded House songs -both reminiscing about our childhoods.  I don't know what it is, but the moment I hear Neil's voice, even just when he's speaking, my body seems to relax.  And his voice, the opening of a few of his songs make me almost tear up with the nostalgia.  This s my favourite Crowded House Song.   I've also added Joel's.



Even just going back over their film clips last night ( I almost NEVER watch music clips - they ruin songs for me), we were commenting that it felt like going back over old home movies.  Crowded House played such a role in the soundtracks of both our lives.

I don't know what it is - we've both heard remixes of a few CH songs.  And I can't bear any of them, no matter how I like the artists attempting them.  It seems to me that noone is allowed to do Neil except Neil.  I think that the only exception is that (I can't BELIEVE I'm about to admit this in public) is that I actually LOVED Damien Lieth's Australian Idol take on Message to my Girl.  He changed it up and made it different, beautiful. 



Which do you prefer?

Vera Want Spring 2011

So, here's the thing.  I blame Joel.  Not for my love of pretty dresses.  But for my facination with all things Runway.  He signed us up for Foxtel.  Which introduced me to first Projet Runway and now Kell on Earth.  I'm hooked, in the trainwreck type of way.  I love all of this behind-the-scenes stuff that goes into the fashion world.

A week or so back it was me drooling over the Elie Saab show.  Yesterday I was a little giddy at the thought of the Vera Wang Spring 2011 RTW collection. 


The Good - I'm not sure it was necessarily as cohesive as some of the other collections I've seen, I didn't mind this.  I love the way she drapes and I often find myself just wanting to touch...

The Bad

I HATE the booties.  Honestly, I know they're popular, but I can't stand them.

The UGLY

I really wanted to love these two dresses.  And I almost did.  I love the fabric and the colours.

This one almost had me oohing - until the model turned around.  Vera Freaking Wang turned this beautiful dress into a HOODIE.  Ask my girlfriends - there aren't many things I hate more than a hoodie.

And I don't even know what happened here.  I think this wierd piece at the front was told to sit up straight and be a bow.  But I think somewhere, it desperately wanted to be a fanny pack.  Wrong, just so wrong.

What do you think?

An update

For those of you who didn't see this all play out on Facebook.  I went to the Dr.  I just knew something was wrong.  I knew it wasn't diabetes related.  I knew it wasn't a migraine. And honestly, I was kind of terrified. 

Possibly not as terrified as I was when I got to the Doctor and looked at her eye chart.  With my only good eye (my left eye has been pretty useless at eye charts since I was nine, only seeing about the top 3 lines), I was able to see only the letter on top.   I could see that there were two more lines under it, and that there was a somewhat rounded letter, but couldn't make out what it was.   The lines under that were as good as invisible - I didn't have enough focus to see that there were seperate letters, let alone what they were.

That was a jolt.  I knew it was bad.   But you know how sometimes you wonder if you're just over reacting?  Sometimes you want to follow your gut, but you're sure someone's going to roll their eyes and it will turn out to be nothing. 

And I knew, with my suspicions of what it was, that we were kind of looking for zebras.  The chances of me having this condition are so remote.  But I met some of the criterea - my CRP was already high, as was my Sed rate and my white cell count, In of themselves, these are not necessarily diagnostic - all are synonymous with acute inflammation in the body, which of course can come from other things.  But with the type of pain I've been suffering for the past 6 months, and negative ANA and Rh tests, PMR was becoming suspected.

Then on Tuesday night, I had a low grade fever (had had that for a couple of days), severe, sudden onset headache, different to the ones I usually suffer.  Terrible neuralgia over the entire right side of my head.  I could feel the artery under my skin around my temples. And the sudden loss of vision.  Combined with our earlier suspicions of PMR, TA was looking possible, however improbable it ought to be.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a working diagnosis (which will be studied more closely and confirmed or whatever by the new rheumatologist at the end of July) of Polymyalgia Rheumatica.  It is absolutely a disease of the elderly. It is extremely uncommon to be diagnosed with it under the age of 50, and in fact the average age of diagnosis is 68-70.  I am 35.

Out of those elderly people with PMR, about 20-25% develop a complication called Giant Cell Arteritis, or Temporal Arteritis (the names seem to be mostly interchangeable).  I'm not a Doctor, so I can only tell you the bare facts.  Jenn would know more than I.  It is a type of vasculitis that causes inflammation in the blood vessels leading (in this case) to the brain.

Anyway, after some wrangling with Joel's work (to get him to be able to come and get me - I couldn't drive) and me sucking it up and putting my big girl knickers on, I went to see the Dr, half convinced she'd send me on my way with some Nurofen.

She didn't.  She examined me.  Did the eye test.  Palpated my scalp and jaw, looked into my eyes.  Ordered immediate blood tests and CT on my brain.  Then went ahead and started the high dose steroids. 

In about 36 hours (she had me take an extra dose on that first day, to try to give myself that extra chance of reversing this), my eyes had responded.  I would say there was about a 60% improvement by the time I saw my GP on Wednesday.  The headache was back with a vengeance, but the eyesight was improved.  I was pretty thrilled with that improvement.  He was much less enthusiastic.  He didn't come out and say it, but he indicated that he'd have liked to see it all come back by then.  And that whatever hadn't returned by then, simply may not.

So this is where we are now.  Long term steroids (which given my diabetes, depression/anxiety and stomach ulcers will make life more complicated) and close monitoring every week or two until I see the Rheumatologist. 

And I adjust to the new normal.  I can see the boys faces again.  I can read big signs. I can't read normal print at this point, but my computer font has gone from 200% down to about 150%.  Am heading to the library today because I'm so desperate to read, I'm heading to the large print section.

I'm sorry.  I never wanted this blog to be so one-dimensional.  I don't want it to be all about the woe-is-me health issues at the moment.  But in all honesty, right now, that's where our lives are at.  Especially this past week.  It's been more than a little frightening to have so little control over something so major happening to my body - and the thought of it being permanent (or worse - a stroke) left me agitated and Joel even more so.

He's struggling, my love.  Worried.  He's usually a 'things will turn out' kind of guy.  Almost a head-in-the-sand kind of guy (it's one of our biggest differences).  Not this week. It's clear his mind is all here, fretting, researching, worrying.  I feel horrible for putting him through this.  This isn't what he signed up with.  I know we said "in sickness and in health" but he's had to put up with an awful lot of the latter, for almost our entire marriage.  Poor guy picked a lemon!




Not the most upbeat Flog Yo Blog, but here it is anyway.  It's being hosted this week over at Where's My Glow.  Head on over and join in (I started this yesterday, while it was still Friday here.  It's still Friday somewhere, right?).

It's ok, Sweetheart

His songs make me cry, too.  For a whooooole other reason.   You have to click on the link to see the first video. (Sorry, embedding disabled).


A follow up...  I was actually really worried about whether she'd just be too overwhelmed or traumatised by this, but she seemed ok.

Scared

First things first, I guess.  I apologise in advance for any typos in this post.  The reason will be apparent by the time you're done.

Most of my readers know that while I've been fairly unwell for about a decade, things have been far more acute for the past 5 or 6 months (since about the beginning of September).  We've been through test after test after test, scans, xrays, bloodtests...there has been a lot of confusion and a lot of tears.  I've been in severe pain for all of that time and the inflammation markers in my body are through the roof.

My GP (two of them, actually) have reached a tentative diagnosis of polymyalgia rheumatica. On top of the Fibromyaglia I've had for a decade. Everything seems to fit - except for the fact that it is a disease almost never found in people younger than 50 (in fact, the average age is 70), though the Registered Nurse at Centrelink that is dealing with my Disability application is about my age and she has it, so obviously it's not impossible.

Anyway, he started me on a course of Prednisone (the usual treatment for auto-immune/inflammatory disorders) and within days I felt better than I had felt in over 6 months.  It wasn't gone, by any means, but I was able to reduce my painkillers from Mersyndol Forte to codeine or Nurofen.  It was a 7 day trial, and I felt good for a further few days afterwards.  It is returning with a vengeance, but I only have to wait until Wednesday to see him again, where I imagine he will start me back on them for a longer period.  I am not able to get in to my rheumatologist until the end of July.  I'm on a standby list, but I'm not liking my chances.

Ok.  That's the background.  I had this appointment on Wednesday to discuss the steroids and how they worked, get a HbA1c (for the diabetes) done and to get a referral to a podiatrist, as I'm having a lot of nerve issues with my feet that I'm 90% convinced are going to be related to my diabetes.  I've had it for 10 years now, and while my glucose levels are fairly good right now (I'm on 2 types of insulin, 4 times a day, and 2 oral medications twice a day), it is around this time that one can start to expect some complications.

But something's come up. And I'm worried that by bringing it up one of two things will happen.  He will either think I'm a hypochondriac or dismiss it altogether as the diabetes (which it may be, but my gut tells me it's not).

You see, 6 days ago, last Wednesday, I woke up with a blinding headache.  It actually woke me at about 1am and was shocking.  I assumed a migraine, though the pain was a little different to my normal.  I had severe nerve pain - it hurt to touch one entire side of my head and neck.  And I could barely see - definitely blurred vision.  I described it to Joel as being like when you walk out of a dark room into a very bright one.  You know how it takes your eyes a couple of minutes to adjust?

Well, 6 days in, my eyes haven't adjusted.  Not even a little.  I still feel like I'm walking into a very bright light.  The headache lasted 2 days (as a severe headache) and has been only intermittent since then.  The neuralgia
(Or what I'm assuming is neuralgia) lasted about 5 days, it is a bit better today. 

I have my computer screen font turned up to the highest possible - my screen now shows less than a quarter of a page at a time, the font is so large.  I can barely read it.  I can't read anything else.  I can't see the television (as in, I am unable to focus on anything), I can't see faces properly.  I can see things a few feet in front of me, but they are not sharp.  I can't see the speedometre in my car at all, no matter what angle I try to look at it from.  I can see that it's there, of course,  But I can't focus on the numbers and I cannot see the needle at all. (Needless to ay, we made the decision that until we know what's going on, there's no driving for me.  Alexander is home from school today, I can't get him there, and I had noone to ask).   I can't read the numbers on my insulin pen, or the instructions on medications for the boys.  I can't read a clock or my phone.   I can't read any of the books in our house (which is frustrating me terribly, I've gone from reading 2-3 books a week all year to nothing). 

This seems significant.  I know that with diabetes, eyes are an issue.  But my gut is telling me that this happened too suddenly for that (though I am getting a diabetes eye check done this week, had already scheduled it).  I was out on Friday (Alexander's 8th birthday, we had a special Alexander/Mummy day) and on impulse I went to a pharmacy and had them take my blood pressure.  The first reading was 150/98, very high.  Especially for me, as I've always bordered on the low side of normal - usually 100/70. 

They had me sit and rest for 20 minutes before taking it again - it was lower, down to 130/85. High for me, but the pharmacist was confident that it was fine (I did tell him about the headache and the eyes) and he thought I could wait until my appointment this Wednesday.

I relaxed somewhat, but yesterday I realised just how frightened Joel is.  He Dr googled (very unusual for Joel) and is terrified that this might be a condition that is often associated with PMR - Giant cell ateritis.

So, what to do.  My face doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday, or the day before.  Do I wait until my appointment on Wednesday. Do I mention it at all or hope it goes away? Or do I go see someone today?

I feel like an idiot.  I hear myself  - FM, PMR, Diabetes, nerve damage,  etc etc etc...I sound like a hypochondriac.  Excpet this is all real, this is all happening to me. 

It's just that, for the first time ever, I'm a little scared. None of my illnesses up to this point have been 'serious', not in any way life threatening or dangerous. Is this one? That feels like the kind of thing that happens to other people. So why am I so nervous?

Sunday Sessions

Back to Sunday Sessions. I had one scheduled to go out today, but I've just read Thea's and the rules have changed for today.  Today, we're putting in 'our' songs - those songs that have special meaning for you and your love.


First song that's ours.  Tony Bennet's version of "The Way you look tonight".



Ok, this one is cheesy.  But this album had just come out, and we were both Bee Gees fans from waaay back.  We got to know each other over this album.



Despite my early protests, Joel was able to win me over to his LOVE of Pink Floyd.  This song actually appears as part of our wedding video.



As does this....



Another that reminds me of those early days..



Joel used to say this was his song for me...(Sting is Joel's other favourite artist, and he was able, over the years to win me over).



Our first dance:


So, I could go on - our early years were so much about music, I can't begin to tell you how many songs are special to us. 

What is "your" song?

For Avey...

My friend is house hunting at the moment, and dreaming of interior design (you know, the type that doesn't have to think about the practicality of 3 children).

And she wants a yellow kitchen.  We were talking about the size of our folders on our computers with interior design pictures (I'm not even going to tell you how big mine is - it's a little embarrassing).  I happen to have a couple of photos stored with yellow kitchens, and this is the only way I could show her.

 A little too modern and sleek for my liking...

This'd be more my style....not as brave as you, Avey..

Adrift

What was I thinking, letting you in?  How stupid I was to let myself get used to you, to start to need you.  I told you I was terrible at this.  I told you and I told you and I told you.  I wasn't telling you.  I was reminding myself.

I've never felt this lonely.  It would have been fine if I'd never let you in.  I wouldn't know what I was missing.  I walk around, constantly just trying not to cry. 

I don't know how to fix it.  I don't know if it can be fixed - nothing actually happened.  It just went away. I dont' even know if you've noticed. You've moved on already, and I just feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.

I said I was terrible at this. It never lasts. It was never going to.  But for a little while, it was so lovely to play pretend.

Sunday Sessions

Each week, Thea from Do I Really Wanna Blog (I suspect by now, the answer is  yes) posts two songs on her blog.  An oldie and something new(ish) on the charts. 

I haven't joined in for the past couple of weeks - not in the greatest headspace - you should see the songs I've chosen before deciding not to post....

But, here we are again this week.  I'm back again.  I do love Sunday Sessions, so I want to try to get back into the swing of it.


A friend of mine posted this song on FB the other night, and it brought back the most amazing childhood memories.  My mother loved Simon and Garfunkel and their Greatest Hits Album was so worn out, we replaced it at least once or twice.




What songs remind you of your childhood?

For something newer -

I know it's cheesy.  I don't care.  Today's the first time I've actually seen this clip - but I love the simplicity of this song and these lyrics.  He draws me in every time.

I love the "When Harry met Sally" style bit at the beginning. Gorgeous touch.



Your turn.  Hop on over to here and add your own Sunday Sessions mix.

Done now

I hate the world right now - every stinking, painful, burning piece of it. I hate my life and I hate my body.  I hate the unfairness.  I know that people have it much, so much worse than I.  But right now I want to wallow.  I want to scream and swear and say "Enough!  I've had it.  This is all too much, too heavy.  I can't hold myself up anymore, and I've stopped wanting to".  I want tos cream that this is f*cking unfair and I don't deserve this.

I want to scream until I am hoarse and break something - my fist through a wall, perhaps.   I want to sleep for 24 hours and sleep without pain.  I want the complications to stop adding up.  I want to dream dreams where the pain is not still present.  I can feel it in my dreams - not one in 5 months has been without it.

I hate everything and everyone.  I hate me most of all. My body is letting me down, literally attacking me, and I know, I can feel that my mind is perilously close behind. 

Today, beacuse I physically can't put any weight on my left side, and that favouring it has increased the pain in my right (traditionally my worst) hip exponentially - I will miss out on meeting two women who mean more to me than they know.  Two women I have literally waited more than 6 years to meet.

And they won't believe me.  They will think I chickened out, or that I"m unreliable.  Nobody but Joel and Alexander will understnad that I have never, even at my worst, been this immobile. 

And why should they?  I'm 35.  Who lives like this at 35?

I know - this is self indulgent.  Right now, I don't care.  I'll be back, with perspective tomorrow.

For now, I've got Mersyndol Forte and Valium - a husband who has packed me off to bed and will take care of the children. 

I hate me.  I hate me, I hate me, I hate me.

About Body Image

On the school run this morning, I was listening to a morning breakfast radio program.  I came in fairly late, I don't know how the conversation started, or anything that prompted it.  But one of the male hosts was trying to talk the female host into jumping on the scales and revealing her weight.

Now, said female host is little.  So not in any way overweight.  In no way was the number going to be 'embarrassing'.  But she was incredibly reluctant.  I got the impression, from her comments that weight had been a long-time issue for her, and that getting on the scales, psychologically was very, very difficult. 

So of course, as trashy breakfast radio programs are want to do, they ask people to ring in and offer opinion.  And it seemed fairly split down the middle.  Every man said "It's just a number. Get over it and get it over with". Some women said "Go ahead, you're slim and gorgeous, so you should absolutely get on the scales" and some said "No, if it's higher than you think, you'll feel really bad about yourself".

My issue is this.  Robin is clearly fit and assumedly healthy. (Certainly there are no health issues I'm aware of).  She's about 167cms tall, and most are guessing her weight (another part of the 'fun', to guess the correct weight) between 54-60kgs. 

So - healthy.  In fact on the BMI (which I'm not necessarily a huge proponent of) she would at that weight be about a 20, the very lower side of healthy. 

Do you think the actual number should matter?  Do you think, that given that  she is fit (she recently competed in a celebrity soccer match, and participates in fun runs etc) and healthy, and raising active, healthy children - do you think it should matter what number appears on the scales?  Or that she should even get on the scales?

How important is that number, for the parts of society where health isn't an issue.  See, I'm in an entirely different position.  It's no secret, I am obese.  In fact, I think I qualify as morbidly obese.  I'm only 5ft 3inches and I tip the scales in the low 90s.  Due to my health (causing an extremely sedentary life - more than ever before) and the medication regime I have put on more than 10kgs in the past year.  Really, in the past 6 months.  A terrifying thought.

I'm putting these numbers out there for two reasons.  One, for the benefit of honesty.  I'm not going to go on and on about how numbers don't matter and have all of you thinking in your head "easy for you to say..fatty...".  Secondly, because in my case numbers do, most definitely matter. 

Not because I'm a size 18.  Not because I cringe and literally avoid mirrors now (though that's a mental issue that needs to be dealt with).  But because I am 35 years old.  I have Type 2 Diabetes, that has now (after 10 years) become insulin dependant diabetes.  I am fairly sure I am suffering the beginnings of diabetic neuropathy (a conversation I an having with my GP again next week - severe tingling and pain in my feet, numbness etc). I have polycystic ovaries, making me even more insulin resistant.  I have (the diagnosis so far..) polymyalgia rheumatica - an auto-immune disease that rarely affects women under 70, and almost never under 50.  On top of the Fibromyalgia I have been dealing with for 13 years. 

So all in all, most of these diseases are either caused, or at the very least, exacerbated by obesity.  In which case, the number matters.  It matters very much.  I need to lose over 30kgs to be at a healthy weight range.  

But for those who are already clearly in a healthy weight range - do you think the specific number of kgs you weigh, or the size of clothes you wear, is important?   Do you think it is important that a public figure (excuse the pun) reveal her weight?  Do you think it is healthy even?

I worry that, especially girls and women, we get too wrapped up in what we think we should look like, and what we think we should weigh. We look at celebrities and hold them up as what 'beautiful' looks like.  And we aspire to that.

But do we teach our daughters that in actual fact, many of these celebrities would be considered by their Doctors, to be underweight? Do we teach them that rather than worrying about what number appears on the scales (better yet, not exposing them to our own obsession with scales), we teach them that the fact that they are fit and healthy and active is of far more importance to their long term well-being?

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Wouldn't we rather see our daughters see this picture of Robin with Queensland Premier Anna Bligh competing in a Fun run, than know exactly what she weighs?  Wouldn't we rather say - look how healthy and active she is - that's what we should aspire to, than "Oh, she weighs more/less/exactly what I thought she would".  Would it be damaging for our 14 year old girls to hear Robin say "Oh, I weigh 60kgs, I need to lose 5kgs (I think I heard her say she'd like to weigh 50!), and obviously feel embarrassed or distressed.  And then think to themselves (teenage hormones, puppy fat and media pressure and all) "OMG.  I weigh that.  I need to lose weight".

What is it we want for our children. 

This?

Or this?

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I know what I prefer for my sons...

Apparently - the vote will happen on their Facebook page.  What do you think Robin should do?

This is a Flog 'Yo Blog Friday Post.  You know what to do..I've read a few this morning and urge you to do the same.  There are some good ones today, especially dealing with Lori - an issue I intend to address myself in the next day or so.