I've been quiet again for a few days. I'm not sure where to start. I went into this new year (for heaven's sake, it's only 6 days old) with such optimism.
I told myself that this was the year for me. Throw off the shackles of living with chronic pain and depression and anxiety. Get moving. Get out there. Drop the weight. Make a friend. Spend more time hanging out with the people I love.
Somehow though, the pain receptors in my body didn't get the memo. And I don't know how to talk about that on here. I'm still getting a big of negative 'feedback' from the other situation, and a lot of it involves being fat, being sick, being an 'attention seeker'. And I told you all, I told Joel and I told myself that I was going to be so much more positive.
And mostly, I still am. I still believe that this could be such a happy year for us. New home. New start. Plans. I feel positive, mentally. I get down, I'm ridiculously hormonal (my body has no idea what it's doing. My period has run away - the last was in October; we're just waiting on blood test results to find out what's up. Don't get excited. I had a Tubal Ligation when I had Sam), but mostly I'm ok. In my head.
But I don't know how to describe how hard it is to start following through when it hurts so much to stand. I don't know how to tell you that it feels impossible to go for a walk when my shoulder is spasming so badly it's a visible twitch. My joints (which according to my Rheumatologist have NO inflammation, despite blood test results saying otherwise) are swollen, stiff, weak. Not just the joints. All of the bones in my hands and wrists. Stabbing pain that comes and goes and some days make it impossible to hold a coffee cup.
The very top of my back (right before it turns into neck) has been tingling for 3 months. I'm not talking just pins and needles. I'm talking about a mosquito in your room at night. A constant ringing in your ears. The kind of thing you cannot ignore, no matter how hard you try. It's Always front and centre.
Hips and pelvis feel like right before I had Sam. It's like the SPD (that saw me in hospital for bed rest and pain management on and off for the week or two before I had him) is back again, as vicious and twisted as last time. It runs down my leg and takes my breath away when it pinches the nerves.
I've gone to the Doctors 3 times in the last 3 months. Determined to address the pain issues properly. Have them rerun the inflammation markers again now that the Pred is out of my system. Get an X Ray done on my hip and my lower back. I've chickened out each time. I feel like I'm no longer going to get help from any doctor. I feel completely alone in this.
So. That's why I'm quiet. At the moment, for the past few days at least, all there is is pain. It's all I know, it's all I feel, it's all there is. There's nothing to write about. Well no, there's plenty to write about. But not the presence of mind to do it justice. Forgive this. I really am going to try so much harder. I don't want my blog to be depressing this year.
But I also said I'd write like no one was reading. I said I'd write honestly and for me. And I'm trying to minimise this in front of Joel, as much as one can when they can barely walk. So this is the only place I can pour this out. And on nights like this, when the medication they gave me simply has taken the pain from unbearable to barely manageable, I will come here. I don't expect comments. I don't want pity. There IS good. And when I'm clearer in my head, I'll blog it.
I want to talk about the boys. I want to talk about my feelings about the upcoming school year (I need to talk to you about it). I want to talk about the US Republican Primary race. I want to talk to you about ideas I have for the house. I want to share some funny videos, some music. Some pretty pics. I want to share some blog love.
It's coming. Bare with me. I'm here. I'm trying to read you all, and comment too, when I can. But with me feeling crappy and school holidays, it may be sporadic.