I discovered this morning, that despite 15 years of being in love with him, that I don't know my husband at all. I'm reeling. I don't know what to make of it. I caught him out in something this morning. It was 5.30, and he had told me to sleep in, rather than get up and have coffee and make lunch with him. I thought he was being sweet. But now I know the truth. He was hiding a secret from me. I wish I'd taken his advice. I wish I'd stayed in bed, blissfully unaware. Some things just can't be unseen.
He says it's normal. He says all guys do it. All guys. Pfft. What do I care about all guys? I care about what my own husband gets up to at 5 o'clock in the morning.
I'm sitting there, drinking coffee made on the new coffee machine he bought me last week (a bribe?), when I watch him make his sandwich. (Now this is itself is a BIG DEAL™. I usually make Joel's lunch - don't scoff. I don't mind doing it and he does MORE than his share around the house. When I don't make it, he usually just grabs bits and pieces out of the pantry and then buys something for lunch).
Anyway, I was falling asleep last night at 9 (Usually, even with sleeping pills, it's 1-2am before I fall asleep. So he was desperate for me to just go with it) and he promised to make his own lunch in the morning (I do lunches the night before). I offered to do it this morning, but he insisted.
Well. I should never have let him do it. I should never have watched, at least. Because, now I don't know what to do with this information I've gleaned.
He takes out the bread. (On a PLATE, not a breadboard). Butters it just fine. Not quite to the edges, but hey...a girl can overlook that. He's new at this. But wait for it.
Now, Joel is a creature of habit. He makes (I make, at his insistence) the same sandwich every day. He never wants any variation. Ham, Pickles (think mustard relish, those of you over in the U.S), Cheese, Lettuce and Mayonnaise. Always. Simple enough.
You'd think. But no. He starts, to my horror (!) with the CHEESE! Cheese, straight on the bread. Even though he knows the ham is going on! He goes cheese, ham, THEN Pickles, then lettuce (which he put on ALL wrong...) and then mayonnaise.
I know, right? Devastating. Willy Nilly. Irresponsible. How did I not know this? I should have known. I should have seen his rebellious streak years ago. A while ago, Baby Mac asked us to settle a debate on her blog. When making the bed, which way do you put the top sheet? Do you put it print side down, so that when you fold it over, the print is showing? Or do you put it print side up, and then when you fold it down, the back is showing? Everybody had their own way. And then I had to confess that Joel does not fold down the top sheet. At all. It was like crickets in there. Beth actually replied that it ought to be grounds for divorce!
There were other signs, of course. Oh, hindsight, thou art a cruel wench. When he does the dishes, he stacks them in the most precarious fashion. I'd often teased that he could never be an engineer. When he does them, I'm afraid to disturb them at all, lest they all come crashing down.
And laundry. He hangs things on the line with no thought at all to order. Towels might go next to socks (not even a PAIR of socks. Just socks. Random socks!!!!). He cares nothing for peg colours matching clothing items. He even uses two different coloured pegs on one item!! ♪Putting his hands up like he just don't care.♫
But this??? Oh, it might just be too much! Now, who's with me here? Logic dictates that after the butter goes the pickles (Remember, Americans. We're talking a relish here, not those things you call pickles). Then the meat. In Joel's case, Ham. Followed by the cheese, then the lettuce and finally mayonnaise. It's simple Sandwich Assembly 101. Yes?
But no. Joel just feels no need whatsoever to bend at all to societies niceties. He just goes about his business as though one can just put pickles on TOP of ham.
What next? Eating Ice Cream for Breakfast? Putting the sugar in his tea before the milk? Driving on the wrong side of the road? Reading Lord of the Rings before The Hobbit? Don't scoff. It's a slippery slope, folks.
I know one thing. I can never die. What on earth would happen to our children?
It's no wonder I have a panic disorder, is all I'm saying. Do you think it's too late to get an annulment? Based on Fraud? Kim K's ex is trying it. I think I have more grounds than he does. What would you do?