I'm feeling it today. More than usual. It hasn't been this heavy since the 5 year mark. That was a bad, bad year.
Today marks 9 years since the worst day of my life. I've had some horrific days. Hit by her first husband. Molested by a family member. When my beloved sister ran away from home - that's in the top 3. I've lost babies, one of them in the most traumatic of ways. The day I found out she was dying. The day I had to tell her she didn't have as long as she and Dad thought she did. To tell her I'd known all along, I'd done the research and knew she was far more advanced than she realised. The day she died. The day my son was beaten at school.
But this. This is the worst day ever. And today, I'm reliving it. I can't stop shaking. I'm hurt and angry - so, so angry. Indignant. It is the one day of the year I just want revenge. Of course, there is none to be had. Years later, I understand. My sisters, they were grieving just like me. My grandmother. She was losing her firstborn.
My Aunt though? If I lived a thousand years, I'll never forgive her. My contempt for her has not waned in 9 years. It has not shifted, it has not lessened. It is hot and red and furious. She took away the final day of my mother's life. She made us deal with these accusations on the very last full day she would have on this earth.
It's 9 years, and I cannot find the words. I've not spoken to her in 9 years. My father wants us to do something next year. On the tenth anniversary. He was talking about just my brothers and sisters and him. Just us. Joel thinks we should invite her siblings and parents too. I want to. But as long as I'm alive - Susan will not be. It's all I've got left.
Melissa, you've been through hell & back. I'm so sorry for all that you've had to go through. Hang in there. You've got a great support system. xx
ReplyDeleteI can not forgive my aunt either for her part in separating my Grandmother from the rest of the family months before her death. Family aren't meant to do that to each other, they are meant to be there supporting and grieving along with you. I think a close family event next year would be lovely.
ReplyDeleteWhat Norlin said x people can be so cruel. So sorry you had to deal with those accusations whilst losing your mother .
ReplyDeleteMelissa, I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I don't understand how certain people can be so cruel and malicious, but the can and are. But you (and your mother) know the truth and that is what matters. Love to you. x
ReplyDeletesometimes life is just hard. So sorry you are suffering this all again - but you must grieve it out as you must. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteFamily can bring us so much joy and so much sorrow at the same time. So sorry you had to deal with so much on the last day you would have loved to have spent with your mother. I love how much you adore her and treasure her. What a wonderful woman she was and is. Just beautiful. N x
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. I hope today as been as okay as it could be.
ReplyDelete