Bringing in 2013

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Just a few hours to go. With the exception of my book post, which will probably go up tomorrow morning, I'm over re-capping 2012. It was an eventful year. I learned a lot. Changed a lot. Talked a lot. Meh. It's hard work getting through everybody's Goodbye 2012 posts, so I'm going to look forward. Onwards to 2013.

I make goals for the beginning of each year. Some are simple, practical. Some are long term. Some are for every day. And some are about changing mindsets - much harder. 

So. Here are some of them. 

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·       My memory is starting to really frighten me. I'm not sure what's going on, and I'm hoping it's simply caused by medication. In the meantime, I need to get back on top of things. So I've bought a day planner/diary. I resolve to keep it with me, all of the time, so that I can write everything down. Hopefully I'll stop forgetting appointments

·       I need to get back into the kitchen and start baking and cooking from scratch again. Less convenient (but horrible) pre-prepared foods. More good, whole food for everyone.

·       Work really hard with the Speech and Occupational Therapists to work on Sammy’s eating. He’s going backwards rather than progressing.

·       Help Alexander with his math and to get his blog happening again. The lack of blogging on his part is more my fault than his.

·       Teach Sam to read and write. He will need extra help. Get both boys working on their workbooks.

·       Get that telescope and join that astronomy club we talked about all year. It’s time, before he turns into a surly teenager who doesn’t want to hang out with us.

·       Manage my time better. Stop spending the day stuck in a book and on the computer until half an hour before Joel gets home where I then kill myself trying to make it look like I did something (am I the only one who does this?).

·       Do more little things for Joel again. I think I lost my way in the past 2 years. Little notes, favourite meals or foods, special treats. He is worse at spoiling himself than anyone I know. Rum Balls, Brownies, his favourite Whiskey or beer, notes, his favourite computer or car magazines, books by authors he likes....there are so many ways.

·       Organise more one-on-one time with each of them. Get babysitters (It seems we now have two sets of grandparents who have offered, so I am going to enjoy it) and have nights or days out with Joel. Doesn’t have to be somewhere expensive. Stop waiting until we can afford something ‘big’. Just lay on a blanket under a tree at the botanical gardens is one of my favourite things to do.

·       Same applies for the boys. Coffee and library dates with Alexander. Trips on a bus or train with Samuel would make him feel special. Go to more movies with both of them.

·       Convince my GP to let me come off Targin (it’s the slow release Oxy). I hate it. He knows I hate it. He knows I want off, but we keep waiting for things to ‘settle down’. Stop waiting. I want to be completely off it by March.

·       Go and get the steroid injections. I have no idea why I’m still stalling on this, but I have no more excuses.

·       Start trying to get to the pool 2-3 times a week for hydrotherapy. I need it. I said I would try but it’s been a month now and I’ve not made it once.

·       Take at least one photo every day.

·       Walk every day. Even if it’s only 15 minutes. And use the Wii fit 3 times a week. Again, even if it is only 15 minutes.

·       Go to the movies by myself once a month (provided there is something I want to see). I love it. Do it more.

·       Reward myself for every 5kg lost. Or every good HbA1c. Make it a tangible reward. Start using the links on my Accessories board on Pinterest to find products that make me feel a bit more special.. Stop putting things in my ‘shopping cart’ or ‘wish list’ and then abandoning them. {Do you know that even when I was a teenager, I only wore earrings that were gold hoops? Never anything else. So this year, when I hit my 20kg loss, I'm getting my ears re-pierced. And buying some dangly earrings).

·       Buy some new clothes. In colour and print. But don’t wear something just because it’s ‘on trend’. I’m not really a “F*(% Flattering” type yet. I don’t’ know that I ever will be. But clothes that make me feel prettier. Definitely.  I may be a long way from my fashion Ideal (Princess Catherine, anyone) but that doesn't mean I have to give up altogether.

·       Go to the hair salon more regularly. I always say I’ll go every 2 months, but I never do. I’m lucky if I get there every 6-8 months. Stop that.

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·       Learn (finally) how to style my hair (I have already found some inspiration. I'm gonna propose, see if she'll move in with me). Learn to curl it, since I’m over the straight. Grow it out and learn how to use a good curler and hairdryer. Invest in the products that will work for me. Even if they are more expensive. Go to the hairdressers and book a time to have a full consult. Have them teach me how to do it. More than once if I need to.  After just a couple of hours on hairromance.com, I learned that to get the hair I want ^^ I've been having completely the wrong cut all of this time. Way wrong. I'm so glad to have read that. Now I just have to get out of the habit of walking into a hairdresser, freezing the moment the pretty young thing says "So what are we doing today?" and mumbling "justsomelayersiguess" because I had that when I was 17 {and my hair was extremely different}

·       Get my first pedicure. And manicure. Find out how to make my nails stop splitting on a daily basis. Find out how to make them strong and them make them prettier. Paint them. (I'm not sure about this nail art fad, but I know this one is cool).

·       Go out for dinner once a month. Somewhere different each time. Don’t stress about what I’m ‘allowed’ to eat. Just enjoy it.

·       Aim to be able to get back on a bicycle and ride with Joel and the boys by the end of the year. I swear, I want one like this. With the basket and all. I don't even really care if it looks wanky {unless it bothers the boys, I guess}. It has to be yellow, pink or turquoise. I have no idea where on earth one would find such a bike. If anyone around Brisbane has any idea where I could get a cute vintage bike...I'd love to hear.

·       Humour Joel and go camping once in the first half of the year. Then if it’s still hell on my back (air mattresses = pain), I can say I tried. Then send them off on their merry way while I read. Stay home in the air conditioning and read for 2 days straight. 

·       Send Joel back to squash. He needs the nights out. He stopped going after the brain fart. Time to go back. It’s so good for him. Encourage him to start riding his bike more too. 

·       Get back into letter writing. Write to Tammy and the girls. Every month at least.  ·       Go to church regularly. Every week. It makes me feel better every time. Getting out the door is the hardest part. Make the effort. While I’m at it, maybe make a friend. It’s not like there haven’t been offers. Stop mourning Catrina and Pam. They’re not coming back.  

·       Read another 80 books. Don’t stress about the hundred – I only just scraped that in today. Blog more about my books. I need to share it with someone. J

·       Wear make up, even just a little at least 2-3 times a week. It does make me feel better (if anyone tells my mother-in-law, I’ll cut you. It is not a cure for depression). But it can help with a dose of ennui.   

·       Stop hating on myself. I don’t need to become an arrogant cow who thinks she’s stunning. But there are nice things about me. Find them. Build on them. Accept the faults but try to work on those at the same time.  

Let food be the best thing for your health for 2013. Allow your insides to heal so you can shine on the outside

·       Keep doing what I’m doing as regards my health. Continue treating my food as my medicine. Continue to think about the ways that this is making me healthier. Remember that this is going to help me live longer, and live better. Be proud of that.

·       Work on some flash fiction again. Aim for one a month.

Ok, so it's long. But these are all things I feel like I can do. 

What about you? Do you have big plans for 2013? Any goals or resolutions?

*Only kidding. I'm so lame. :)  Just wanted to see if anyone actually clicks on those source links. :) 

The countown

So, we're just a week away from the end of 2012. It's been a pretty big year for us. Samuel was diagnosed with Autism, and is finished preschool. Just a few more weeks until I have two school boys. And of course, that is both of our boys on the Spectrum. I can honestly say, we're ok with this. We don't look at it as an illness or something terrible. It has it's challenges, I grant you. There are days or weeks that are really difficult. But I can't deny that we have it so much easier than many parents, so we're counting our blessings. And look at them... hard to complain, no?

We had Dad stay with us for the better part of the past 2 or 3 months. I've loved being able to help in his recovery somewhat, at least providing a loving place for him to recuperate and the knowledge that Koko is in good hands. 

While dementia is difficult for everyone (and I imagine more so for Koko), I've honestly relished the chance for her and I to develop a closer relationship. My children have absolutely loved having their grandparents staying here. And we've definitely affirmed to ourselves, and out loud to her that Koko is indeed, their grandmother. Every bit as much as my Dad, or Joel's parents. While nobody can replace my mother (and somehow, even 9 and a half years on, I still miss her every single day of my life), we are blessed that Koko truly loves them.  They are the first children she has ever had a close relationship with in her life (she and her late husband had no children, and lived in a different country to her family) so they are an unexpected blessing for her.  She truly, no matter how lucid her days are (some are better than others) loves them deeply. And it's gratifying for any mother to see her children cherished that way. And I think it means a lot to Dad and Koko to hear me affirm this, to hear me tell Koko that I consider her their Grandmother (though she remains "Koko", it's the name they already know her as; and speaking of that - what on earth do I call her? I was 30 when she and Dad married, so "step mother" kind of doesn't work at all for me. But 'Dad's wife' seems, I don't know, to sound almost resentful, when I'm really not), and an integral part of our family.

I've blogged pretty sporadically this year, and taken even less photos (Sam dropped my camera in the kitchen sink, and then a couple of months later, did something to the camera on my phone). Joel's fixed my camera so next year I plan to become one of those annoying mothers cataloguing every single moment I can (I promise not to bombard facebook though).  I'm also hoping to blog more often. 

I thought long and hard, now that my 12 month no-monetising experiment is over. And while I was open to the idea of going back to it, at this stage I simply don't want to. I have no issue with other blogs that are (it makes sense to make money any way that you can for your family, I'm not sure what the objection is). I just think I can't be bothered.  I can't be bothered going back to caring about numbers or hits or bounce rates (Well. Other than my boobs. I'd like them to bounce far less).

I've spent the better part of 4 months now striving to be healthier. I had something of an epiphany in August and realised that if I don't do this - right now- I'll die. Ten years of diabetes that was now completely uncontrolled, serious chronic pain issues, unexplained vision loss - it's not normal for 37. So it was time to do something, and do it right away. And I started. That very day.

 I'm not even nearly there yet, there is much to do. But, I can honestly say that I'm on the right path. I'm doing all of the right things and my blood sugar levels have sorted themselves back out a little (a couple of tweaks with medication, didn't have to restart Fast Acting Insulin).  I'll be talking more about it next year. 

So expect some food posts (not a lot, I'm no food photographer. I'm not going to inflict terrible photos of food on you) and even some talk about my attempts to become more active. Though I fear that my early attempts may look a little something like this:

Or this: 

But that's ok. I'll still be doing a hell of a lot better than I was last New Years Day. And instead of trying to start a new lifestyle in the new year, I'll already be months in. I don't have to learn about moderation and self control. I've already learned it. I don't have to re-teach myself to eat healthfully. I already have. I already do. All I need to do is keep it up, and add in some movement. It will be the first new year that I can remember not beginning with me already racked with guilt over my constant failure. 

I begin 2013 optimistic, but more importantly - proud. Proud of what I've accomplished. It's not about the nearly 20kgs, though of course, that's not nothing. But what I'm proud of is how completely my mindset has changed.  Habits and attitudes are a difficult thing to change. When they are habits and mindsets of a lifetime, they're even harder. But I've done that.  I've already conquered the hardest part of this battle - my mind. 

This could not be more true.  I still don't know how to describe it, when people ask why I've chosen not to eat something. I find the word 'diet' really isn't sitting well. Even Alexander pulls me up (clearly overhearing Joel and I discuss this countless times) "But you said this isn't a diet". He's right. And I don't want them to grow up thinking that Mama was always on a diet. I don't want to always feel I'm on a diet.  And that is what has been wrong with all of my other attempts. It is why I have failed so many times. Because they felt temporary. They felt like they were times to be endured. They felt like deprivation. 

This? This isn't about the number on the scales, though I'd dearly like to see that continue to fall at least another 20 or 30 kgs. This is about the numbers on a blood pressure monitor, a blood sugar monitor, cholesterol. This is about the number of years I live. The number of years I get to spend with my husband, my children, my books, everything. Those are the numbers that matter this time. 

So bring it, 2013. I'm so ready for you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to be busy loving me. I'm going to be nurturing two little school boys. I'm going to be spending more time with Joel, sans boys. I'm going to read another hundred books (more on that later). I'm going to walk. Swim. Spend time in the sun and the breeze. 

I can't wait.

Aftermath

While I have been very, very vocal on Facebook, I've refrained from addressing the Stony Hook massacre this week. Still shell shocked, I've been reading, watching videos and talking with friends about it all. As has, I guess, much of the world. It seems that no matter where we are, the loss of small children is almost too much to bear - it breaks a moral code that is (sadly only almost) universal. 

Before anyone says "Why do you care more about these white, American children more than those being massacred around the world?' -  Stop. Anybody who knows me, or has spent a decent amount of time here knows that I care. I am outraged by how cheap the lives of children around the world seem to be. I have talked before here, on Facebook and in person about my frustration or horror at the way other mothers and girls and children live, and how little help is being provided. 

But my dismay about that issue doesn't lessen the tragedy of this one. It doesn't lessen my frustration right now with a nation allowing it's young to die in a hail of bullets. 

The entire world looked on in horror as stories came out of Sandy Hook Elementary. Teachers heroically protecting students, some losing their own lives. Children crying, running single file to their waiting parents. Picture after picture of cherubic faces - 6 year olds who will not get to unwrap the presents that are surely waiting for them at home. The entire world, it seems has mourned. Men and women, walking around dazed, confused, heartbroken. 

I wasn't going to blog about this. I'm too biased. I find it impossible to see two sides to this story. I find it unconscionable that anybody is able to still defend their 'right' to own a weapon like these. I find it despicable that anybody would defend the right to own an assault rifle, or semi automatic or automatic weapons. I refuse to believe that anybody needs weapons of this kind for any honourable purpose - even to protect their families.

But over the past 2 or 3 days, I have noticed a new trend. Some news agencies, and now a very public 'challenge' has reduced the list of Victims to just 26. 28 people died in Newtown that day.  I can completely understand people's refusal to include the gunman into that list. He was, after all a grown man who put countless bullets into the bodies of little children.

But his first bullets, his first act of murderous violence was against his own mother. And newsagency after newsagency, person after person has chosen in the past days to exclude her from the list of victims. To not call on people to pray for her family, her loved ones.  Nancy Lanzo's name has become either unmentionable, or worse - linked with her son's in a way that places blame on her shoulders.

American news anchor Ann Curry has called on people to perform 26 Acts of Kindness, to honour the '26 victims on the Newtown Shooting". 

26. Not 27? 27 people died at the hands of one man last Friday. 27 people. To leave our Lanza's first victim is to me not just insulting, but hypocritical.

This is the note that people are being encouraged to print, to mark which of the victims they are honouring with a RAOK. Note only 26 names. As though being killed by your own child isn't enough punishment. Doesn't make you a victim.

For a nation so obsessed with protecting their '2nd Amendment rights to bear arms', this seems particularly off. For a nation so determined, so vehemently against giving up their guns, to turn on a person who owned them legally and was said to be obsessed with not just firearms, but firearm safety - it is the height of hypocrisy. 

I am against hand guns in homes. Completely. I am against being able to walk into Walmart or a Sporting goods store and purchasing weapons or ammunition freely. I am against being able to go to Gun Shows and walk out with weapons that are better suited to military use. I am against any semi-automatic or automatic weapons being available for private use - ever. I am against ammunition being freely available. 

I think it should be prohibitively priced and exceedingly difficult to get a gun license. I think that gun ownership (except for farmers etc) should be something that a small minority of people have. The thought of 300 million guns in any country quite literally makes me sick to my stomach.

In our country, we had a massacre about 16 years ago. It was, to all of us - horrific. The most horrific act of violence this country has seen on our shores. 35 people were gunned down. Some of them were children. One man lost his entire family - a wife and two very young girls in one moment of the worst violence.  We were, as a nation, outraged. Shocked. Bewildered. Angry. Heartbroken. 

Only 12 days later,despite difficulties with legislators (and many politicians losing seats later on), our government passed a bi-partisan bill that banned all automatic and semi automatic weapons. They instigated a massive, costly buy-back.   They bought back (and destoryed) 700 000 weapons. 

I'm not saying it was easy. And I'm not saying that it wouldn't be harder in the United States. To buy back the same (relative) percentage of weapons in the United States would require the purchase of something like 4 Million guns. It's a staggering number. My breath is caught when I read that in the U.S, there are 300 million guns.

Our former Prime Minister wrote an op-ed piece just months ago, after Aurora. A close friend of the Bush family and Administration, John Howard is fairly right wing. He had conservative policies (not Tea-Party conservative, but still...). But in this one area, he was completely different to his American counterpart. It was in my opinion, his moment of greatest leadership. He refused to allow a vocal minority to get in the way of acting in the safety and best interests of our nation. An entirely new political party, a thorn in the side of most legislators was borne out of opposition to the bill. But they held firm. And for the good of the country, they tackled the issue at hand. Nobody is claiming that they've solved all of our problems. Nobody is claiming that Australia has no gun-crime. But I can say that steps were taken. As much as could reasonably have been done, was done.

And yet, it would appear that the Untited States stands a better-than-good chance of leaving this undone. Of letting another opportunity slip by without anyone standing up and saying "Enough!". 

Barack Obama spoke at the vigil in Newtown last week about the need to make real changes in the laws surrounding guns. I hope that he does. I hope he uses his window {he has about 18 months before he has to worry about damaging the next Democratic Candidate's campaign} to leave a legacy that could actually save lives. This could be his legacy. In my opinion, it should stand alongside Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation, FDR's New Deal,  Medicare, Jack and Bobby Kennedy & Johnson's Civil Rights Fight as well as Women's Suffrage. The fight may be just as big as these. 

Because more than anything else, what is needed here is a change in the national mindset. Yes, courage and determination from legislators will be needed. But mostly, the entire nation is going to have to change it's mindset and accept that that 2nd amendment, while allowing for the ownership of firearms, does not extend to all types of firearm.

As I understand it, President Obama is not actually against the second amendment. (I am). He is not saying that citizens don't have a right to own firearms. Gun control proponents are, for the most part not trying to stomp on the 2nd amendment. They are simply suggesting that there be limits. That the right to be armed is not absolute. That there is room to move on this. There is room to discuss limits on the types of guns that may be owned, and on who may own them.  

But against this kind of propaganda, what hope have they?

I find the arrogance and the conspiracy theories so difficult to stomach. Do people not realise how ridiculous this looks from the outside? How senseless these tragedies are? 

I an't stand it. It's been 5 days and I feel like I'm becoming angrier by the day. As the intital shock wears off in the US, and other stories start to take the front page of newspapers and websites, I feel like the momentum to make honest, lasting change is slipping away.

And that's the saddest thing of all.

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Not gonna lie....feeling a little slutty right now.