Right now I am laying on my bed, with the air conditioner working away above me. I smell fresh bread rolls, straight out of the oven. I hear Samuel laughing and Alexander chatting away to his father. Occasionally, Joel's voice breaks through as he indulges them both.
I'm here, locked away in my own room, away from all of it. I am trying not to spit my own venom at my family, trying not to let my mood ruin everyone's night. It's possible that it's too late, they've already felt the tensioni and looked at me, trying to work out where it all went wrong.
I wish I knew. I wish I could tell them. I have no idea. I just flipped, in an instant. From happy and smiling, oking with Alexander and being hugged by Samuel. Making everyone's dinner and looking forward to my own.
Mere seconds later, my shulders are bunched up and my foot is shaking - I can't stay still. I am inexplicably angry and I snapped. I made Samuel cry and Joel feel stressed. He's trying to pacify them, cheer them up. It sounds as though he is doing a good job of it. They sound as though they've forgotten that their mother has been a moody, horrible person for a few minutes, ruining all of their fun.
So I sit in here, the air moving around, listening to this, trying to get my emotions back in check.
It is beautiful, and with Samuel's laughter in the background, I ought to feel entirely differently. What is wrong with me? Why is this happening? Why can I not just be stable? Why are these swings so abrupt, and so sharp? How can I feel so good for so much of the day, so happy for so many hours, and then shift so completely? How can I help him feel better if I can't keep stable myself.
I need a few more minutes. I need to listen a few more times before I try to go back out there. Before I try to keep a smile on my face, listen to the endless chatter and join in. A few more deep breaths, a little longer with my eyes closed and my door locked. Sometimes, I hate me.
It's been 20 minutes. I've listened about 6 or 7 times now. I hear them in the bath. Alexander is singing his masterpiece - "Rock Me" {They are literally the only two songs in the song. And it goes on for eleventybillion years}. Something is working. It may be the piano. It may be the sound of happy children. It may be just from writing it down. It's probably all three.
But I do so wish that this would stop happening. It's exhausting to be this kind of crazy.
